Hurting

Sad

Angry

Sad

Hurting

Fire, Photos, and Closepins.....

Gosh what a fabulous weekend I have had. I went to our local play party on Saturday night and was a tad bummed that Sir and I did not play, but boy was I in for it when we got home....but more on that in a bit...first I took my first step towards getting over my fear of fire...

Sir and I have been speaking with a wonderful Dominant who plays with fire. He sat down next to me last evening, and began getting out all of his fire stuff.....my heart is pounding at this point but I am also strangely excited....he started explaining how he plays with fire, how we will start slow and ramp it up, and how he and my Sir will not let anything bad happen to me. Then he lit the baton....now keep in mind there were tons of rope scenes and other things going on at the time but I was not focused on anything but Sir, the other Dominant, and the fire. He gently placed the baton in my hand, and then when he removed it told me to close my hand on the flames. I do not know how many times we did that but I do know that from that point on I wanted to do more, go further, it was amazingly beautiful and felt so good to take that first step. I have already told Sir that I want to do more and soon.

Today I had a photo shoot to help me get over my self esteem and boy did it . I had the best time, I was so relaxed that the time just flew by. I certainly want to go back and do more with him. It was amazing and I have over 200 pictures to prove it. For the first time in a long time I can look at my face and my body and I LOVE IT....every inch of it. It was such an empowering experience.....can't wait to do more.

So after Sir and I got home last night he told me to clear off our bed, but do not get undressed. Now at our local party he bought me so amazingly sexy stripper shoes and a red hogtie set that matches my collar. After some kissing, stroking, and biting (all on his part) I was undressed and placed in the hog tie set on my back. It was super frustrating to be tied, and unable to touch him as he is kissing me and biting me all over. I am so used to reaching up and touching him that it added a new level of helplessness. He got up from the bed and grabbed our bag of clothespins. I both love and hate the clothespin....more so then ever before. He placed them on my nipples, and all around my breasts, then began to fuck me. Slowly, then faster, then slower all the while them damn clothespins bobbing up and down...not to mention when he would lay on top of me and push them into my skin.......owgoddamnitthatfuckinghurts....then he really shocked me when he began to choke me. So there we are fucking, can't hold him or touch him, clothespins all over, pain and pleasure, and as I begin to come he starts ripping the damn clothespins off. (and he says he is not sadistic) Tears rolling down my face, him inside me, orgasms all around......was beautiful really. After I was unhooked, I was super floaty and calm. Perfect.

In the shower this morning before the shoot, we were touching, kissing, and talking about last night both at the party and at home. He leaned in to kiss me and I did a little smart ass gesture that I used to do when I didn't want to be kissed....which resulted in a nice face slap. Talk about attention getter.

Tonight tons of house cleaning, and some more Ethics and Algebra...ugh Back to the grind tomorrow....

Updated post

Dinner in crock pot........check
Cake baked and ready for my homemade icing...... check
Bathroom cleaned.......check
Laundry........in progress
Algebra test finished...... in progress
Ethics research done.............not even close have no clue what to write about still
Kitchen cleaned...........in progress but done after dinner

Damn I thought I had done better today..........grrrrrrrrrrrrr


After dinner update........Sir was very pleased. When he is happy, well fed, and smiley I just love it. He climbed into the shower to get ready to go up and help D and his wife again. They are opening a new shop and have tons of stuff to do, one of which is running the plumbing for the tub that M will be bathing dogs in, which Sir will be doing for them this evening. I went into the bathroom and he took one look at me and said "get in the shower with me".....I get into the shower and he instantly wrapped his arms around me, kissed me all over my face and neck, held me close and said "i miss you too" What followed next was some very intimate, bonding conversation followed by a more physical sort of bonding.

When Sir left here he had a huge smile on his face and said he needed to go smoke about 6 cigarettes.....giggle. He said I was a very good girl and I pleased him greatly. We are debating going out to the river tomorrow because knowing me I will get sunburned and then not be able to be photographed on Sunday......We will see.....

Hugs and love to you all..........back to homework and Ethics paper research

Excited....I am also tons of other things but we will leave that for now.......

Sir and I and our 3 little ones will be at the park tomorrow along with AG and his 3 kids, and also D and M and their 3 kids. We will be bbqing and playing in the water all day long...the perfect thing to do before we get ready to go to our local play party that evening. Excited!!!!! I love being in the water all day. I am a water sign and also very much a water witch...it calms me...I love it. Kind of funny that I am drawn to water and Sir is drawn to fire lol. So I have no clue what to wear for the play party either. My body issues this last month have gotten worse and so has my self esteem in general so I am hoping that Sir will just say "wear this" and save me the trouble. I have no desire to really get neekid at all there, but I have no idea what is in store for me if anything at this point. ....sigh..... I do know that I will be slowly working on my fire issues here soon and that possibility excites me and scares me too. I am grateful for the oppourtunity. I do know that when I walk in I want to feel beautiful......sometimes that takes some work...let's just hope I am not all sunburned...

My bird is sitting on me, and it has taken me forever to just to type this post...she loves the keyboard....lol silly bird.

I have some other thoughts, and feelings that are emerging. Sad pretty much today overcomes it all....very very tired. I would be happy to just curl up in a ball and let the tears fall today, wrapped under my covers wishing for big strong arms to hold me......but that is not possible today.....

I am having so many thoughts and feelings through my head right now. Touch, voice, heart, body, soul, thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, passion, tenderness, love, commitment, surrender, lust, completeness, friendship, loss, hungry, hurt, confusion, anger, complacency, frustration, happiness, tiredness, drained, emotionless, full of emotion........


All over the place.....

Its been a tough week. Sir has been working amazingly hard hours in this heat, school is plugging along, I have been looking at transfer schools already, and now Sir and I are helping our friends D and his wife M open up a new dog grooming business. It is almost 12am and I am beat, Sir is still there laying tile for them.

I have some thoughts about surrender, living this life with Sir/hubby 24/7, and also finding my proper "place" with him. I have been talking with some new fabulous friends about it all, and finding couples that also do this after being married for so many years before embarking on this journey together. It has helped tons, but we still have a ways to go.

Sir wants me to journal here everyday, to speak freely to him as to what I am thinking and feeling about us and where I am at...and that makes me happy. Today we were getting ready to go to D and M's new shop and I was STRESSED to the point of hair pulling out. He looked at me and said "what do you need and speak freely" and I replied "I need to be grabbed by the throat, thrown down, choked and beaten. I need to be slapped silly and then fucked senseless by you. I am having a hard time finding my head space today" He looked at me and turned me towards the bathroom wall, bent me over in half and pressed my nose against the tile wall. "Stay there" was all he said and he left. It was maybe only 5 minutes total that I was there, but that was a long 5 minutes. That was the most calming 5 minutes I have had all week. I felt a tear slip down my cheek and when he came in to tell me to stand up, as he hugged me all I could whisper was "Thank you Sir for giving me what I need"

To Sir, thank you. For going on this walk through life with me everyday. For asking me what I think I need, but for actually giving me what you SEE I need. I know in my heart that when we finally have the opportunity to scene that it will be one of the most amazing scenes of my life, and you will take exactly what it is you need from me, regardless of what I may think I need in my head. Just when I think you don't "get me" you show me amazingly that you do, more then I could have ever hoped or dreamed.

A old friend of ours said "Of course B is the natural choice for your Dominant and Master. I have always seen him as an angel, just standing guard over you, watching you and keeping you loved and safe." She was right. YOU are the one I was designed for. I am grateful for every step we have taken to get to this point with each other. There is no place I would rather be, then to be at the feet of my beloved husband.

To quote my favorite movie "There is no place like home"

Tough times never last................Tough people do.


I am tough, we are tough, and I have my eye on the "golden prize" I do not care how many nights I stay up until way late, or how many mornings I get up way to early. This semester is half over, and I am doing better then expected for 2 extremely difficult teachers and classes. I lost my faith this afternoon for just a bit, and almost caved........but then....my very best friends and the love of my life pulled me back to sanity, and shown me exactly how strong I am.

It's nice to have people care enough about you to remind you that you are stronger then you think. It is nice to have people love you enough to let you throw your frustrated fit....and laugh with you when you succeed.

I am surrounded by beautiful, strong, great people.

That was my five minutes of breathing........now back to the homework. My goal is a B (really praying to the goddess for an A) in Algebra this semester.

Oh yeah...Sir bought a kitchen set of bamboo forks, spoons, etc. You know the big ones for helping serve the food? That is my new reward for a good grade this next test. (giggle) His goal is to "break one off on my ass" (hehehehe) And you wonder why I am working so damn hard?

The Pager

When your Sir/hubby is a fireman.....and it is 1:45am and his pager goes off, he gets dressed, grabs his stuff and is out the door in about a moments flash, literally under a minute...with just a quick kiss and a "I love you hun" its scary. This happened 2 nights ago. I do not think I have EVER seen that man move so fast in all my life except when I had babies shooting out of me...lol Then I lay there thinking "turn on the scanner" followed by "no dont turn on the scanner" followed by "dont you want to hear and listen to what happens" followed by "nope, yes, nope, yes" and so forth. I lay there wide awake until he came home.

Yesterday we went out to eat, and before he even had 3 bites of his food...you guessed it.....pager went off......car accident......and off he ran. I passed the accident on our way back home and I saw him there, trying to help........

I love him.....and am so proud.

These men and women, including the ones in Law Enforcement, leave their familes, their homes, their loved ones...to go save someone elses loved ones. The jobs they do are important and dangerous. As we were sitting there eating, my youngest son said " Why does dad have to go help them? Why can't he just stay here?" To which my response was "If it was us, in an accident, or fire, wouldn't you want someone to come help us. So that we can come home to daddy safely?" He sat there for a moment and slowly smiled and said "I am so proud of dad".....me to baby...me to.

Grief

I got a call from my sponsor, to inform me that a lady who had over 22 years of sobriety, a lady we had all loved, learned from and with, and looked to for guidance and support in our program took her own life of a drug overdose last night. Honestly I am shocked, devastated, and beyond grief. This lady is someone who really took me under her wing when I walked into that first meeting and held my hand until I could love myself. She was this amazing bright light of love, sobriety and friendship and now she is gone. We do not know why and will probably never know. I miss her and have grieved for her all day. I think about all the "hard" things I am going through and to be honest they really are not shit. I think about (as we all do) "Wow not one of us is ever safe from this monster disease) This is what matters to me and always will. My sobriety, first and foremost, family, and friends. I know that without a doubt I have people out there who will always be there for me when I need them. Did she not reach out? Did she just decide to use and took it to far? Why did she not get out her list of AA support people and call? Did she call and no one answered? We will never know. No matter how much emotional pain I have, I have places to go, people to talk to.....BUT so did she. There is the point...as hard as I work at this program, and as much as I hold it dear to me....I AM NOT SAFE. I WILL NEVER BE FREE OF THIS. EVER!!!!!!! I can not for one moment allow myself to put anything or anyone else before this. Meetings will come first, support people will be called and so forth.

I am grateful to Sir for he knows how very important this is. He has lived through this demon with me, and held my hand for every step I have taken. He has even sat with me through meetings, shedding tears along side me as I found the strength in myself to get better. Am I better? Yes. Am I cured? No.

Questions run rampant in my brain today. My heart is broken for her, for her family, and for all of us who share this. I loved her and before I could do anything she is gone. I never got the chance to full force tell her how much she meant to me. Of course we talked, we laughed and emailed. I have thanked her but not truly, openly, shared with her what I really thought in my heart. Do I think that maybe my words would have saved her? No I am not that naive.....but I think that EVERYONE in this world needs to know how much they mean to you.

If there is anything I can suggest today it is this. Tell everyone how much they mean to you, whether you think they will listen, hear, or say it back....doesn't matter. If there is someone in your world that you love, tell them.....they could be gone tomorrow. They could be hurting and just need to hear something nice. Embrace them every chance you get...be it by words or hugs.

I will be there to help other alcoholics that knew her who are hurting, and also her family. This sucks.....I will never again see her face at a meeting, or hear her laughter through her emails that always seemed to jump out at you. I will always be grateful to her.....and always strive to be better daily with my demon....

Now go hug someone you love....

The floor

Totally got Algebra and Ethics today...woohoo. Had a great lunch with a new friend. She is the mom of one of my son's friends and we have a lot in common. Tonight Sir will be at the firehouse all evening doing training and I will be online, homework, laundry and assorted other goodies.

Last night Sir went out to talk with a new friend. There was some misunderstanding (mine) as to whether or not I was to call Sir while he was out. I did the household chores that were assigned to me while he was gone, and then called before I slipped into bed. That was the wrong thing to do. I interrupted their conversation (uh oh) The point was made to me that I had misunderstood, and he would call me upon leaving. When he called me upon leaving, I was instructed to get my blanket and pillow and go sleep on the bathroom floor for interrupting his evening and for not listening closer when he gave me instructions for the night. (I am assuming the bathroom because our bedroom has so much furniture in it that there is no room in there but I dunno why really) The neat thing is that when I was told to do this, I did not argue, fuss, or complain. I did not question. I got my blanket and pillow and slinked my way into the bathroom. I lay my blanket down and curled up on top.

As I lay there I had TONS of things running through my head. I was cold, uncomfortable, upset that I had not made him happy, and also felt loved and safe. (interesting) I have never felt quite all of those things with him before in this dynamic. I guess I drifted off because when he came home and into the bathroom he tapped my on the hip and told me to gather my things and join him in his bed. Point given, taken, and understood. He asked me why I was told to sleep on the floor and I answered, he asked me why I was allowed into the bed and when he told me why it made my heart melt..."because I like having you close to me, by my side" (awwwwwww)

Today I feel calmer, happier, and more at peace then I have in a long while. I know this will not be easy as he finds his ground with me and I with him....but it is the dynamic we have both wanted ever since we came into all this together years ago. As I was lying there, I was the most disappointed in myself that I have ever been, but also more secure in knowing and trusting that I will be ok, we will be ok, and that things will work out the way they are intended to.

Life today, is beautiful.......in all regards......and I am most thankful for this oppurtunity with him.

Arghhhhhhh

So today we started learning Aristotle in class today and just when you think you have him down pat.....he goes and throws a curve in there. Great. So far in this class we have learned Kant, Utilitarianism, and Aristotle. I have to pick a Ethical topic to write a research paper on.

We won't even discuss Algebra but I will say that I did better on the test then AG did and boy did that piss him off....hehe Knocked him down a few pegs. There will be massive studying had by me, that hubby (now to be referred to as Sir in all future posts) has set up for me. I don't mind it really. The teacher has completely gotten to the heart of the matter and for me, I found that almost 90% of the mistakes I made are due to rushing through the test. Very simple mistakes, very simple to fix. That is better then what I was expecting.

Well I am off to study, then bed early. Not feeling the best today....yuck..

Weekend....

You know sometimes the best things come from the most unlikely sources....and sometimes these things come from people you know to be true......

Yesterday Pagan Picnic was fantastic (except for a few moments) but the entire day was filled with fun, laughter, silliness, friends, family and just what I needed before this upcoming week. I treated myself to a few new things due to my success in school, and because I have focused on others more then myself. Now it is me time. I will do what I want, when I want, how I want, how often I want. Well, all with hubby's say of course lol. This is me time and time for my hubby. I get great satisfaction from taking care of my husband. I love making the house and everything in it to his satisfaction. I love being on his arm when we go out, always have and always will. When I got to Surdyke yesterday after the picnic to see him in all his Fireman glory I got out of the car and he could tell there was a huge attitude shift. He just looked at me and smiled, high fived me, and said good girl (damn I love those words coming out of his mouth they are seriously like liquid gold) It is also nice to have both people at Pagan Picnic and at Surdyke tell you how good you look. That was super cool. I needed some positive energy.

I have a splitting headache today and the dizziness has returned. So tired of dealing with all this crap really. Hubby is on his first MVA call, and they have called for Air Evac (sigh) I both love and hate this scanner.

To all of my friends, thank you for being there. Thank you for seeing what I need, and helping me get it. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. Thanks for sticking around no matter how hard our relationships may get, and thank you simply for being you. I seriously love you all.

To My Husband......In Your Eyes

So
In Your Eyes
love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

Peter Gabriel

Honey, you consistently give me the wings to fly, and you catch me when I fall. You support me in all that I do, and wait patiently for me to return to what I know to be true....and that is YOU. Now and forever, from the day we met. We have stood strong, through many fires, through many hardships...we grow stronger everyday, and my trust in you and in Us grows in leaps and bounds. You allow me to find my own way, knowing that I will always return to what is right.

There are not enough words to express how very deeply I love you. How much I respect and admire you, how much you have shown me what life and love are all about. You are simply amazing, strong, smart, funny, passionate, loving, tender, and so many more things I would be here all day.

All my love,
beauty

One Week (watch out)

Its been a rough day, but in one area of my life a damn good one. In the regards of school its been EXCELLENT. I have been given a full tuition scholarship for my next 2 count them 2 years in school. This helps out our financial stress immensely.....

Someone told me once that " you are worth the wait" Does that no longer apply? Am I no longer worth it? Is there a time limit on love, people, caring, dedication, commitment? Did my warranty run out? Do we have a patience time limit? Do I have broken parts? Did I not do the job that was expected of me? Am I easily replaceable? (I had this really strange dream where we were all turned into robots....haven't been sleeping well at all lately)

Boy......what a harsh return policy...........

I am still hurt, confused, and still very very angry and resentful.....AG told me to turn on some angry "I can't stand you or anyone else" music and jump up and down and scream as loud as I want. Get and stay angry he said...see this for what it is.....which works until the Umbrella Cockatoo gets going with her screaming, and playing and then it's just plain loud ass noise.....lol

So looking forward to Pagan Picnic this weekend...........you all have no idea. Both days from start to finish.....yeah. I am not one to stick my head in the sand and stop doing things I love. I WILL be at every kinky event I want to go to, I WILL celebrate my life and all of those that I love in it.

I am proud of me, of all I have done in my life, and all that I continue to do. Great things are in store for me. Simply because I DO NOT QUIT.

Quotes of the day

AG to me "Find your righteous anger and stick to it sister. People who hurt you don't deserve your heart, spirit, and beauty because you are one beautiful lady both inside and out." (damn man and here I thought he was just a goober...he made me cry)

Algebra teacher to us "Fractions are our friends" followed by guy who sits on the other side of me
" You need to get new friends" (that was great and even the teacher laughed and agreed)

My all time fav today was on a shirt I saw walking through campus....

"Winners, I am convinced, imagine their dreams first. They want it with all of their heart and expect it to be true. There is, I believe, no other way to live." Joe Montana (this I totally agree on depending on what the "dream" actually is)

Have two tests tomorrow then Friday off. I will be going to Pagan Picnic both days this weekend. The first with me, the kiddos, my friend N and her daughter, and maybe run into C who I haven't seen in forever. Sunday it will be me, hubby, kiddos, N, her daughter, and hopefully R and her family I will get to spend time with too. I am excited, I look forward to this every year and never have I missed one. There are tons of things I want to look at, and we have already determined how much I can spend and still get bills paid, and hubby's new scanner for his fireman duties. I can not wait. I love the whole atmosphere and I am needing some peace right now. Picnic lunch on the grass, sunshine, surrounded by friends, family and people who have never let me down.....I love it!!!

Tonight hubby has a meeting at the firehouse with the guys about Saturday. Sucks because I had plans for this evening that I was really looking forward to. Hopefully soon.

Tomorrow will be one week....and I am no where near better.....oh well....


Almost forgot..."Life is about the journey, not the destination...but who the fuck put this roadblock here!!!!" That one came from my sponsor ...giggle

Till later.....

Amazingly down and have tons of homework that I really could care less to do. It's gonna be another long, sleepless night

Random Rants

Today my Ethics teacher totally left me in the dust. Don't get it. I understood what I read last night until 10pm...but today when he opened his mouth...sure didn't sound like the stuff I read in the book. So that may be 2 tutors I need this semester...just freaking great.

Algebra...another 220 roughly by tomorrow. Yippee skippy.

Things I love about my hubby......when he is sleeping, and I mean sound asleep...snoring, the whole bit, and if I am laying facing him with my leg gently touching his two legs....he will (totally in his sleep) take his top leg and pull my leg in between his and put me in some kind of weird wrestling hold...lol. I experimented with this this morning....and every time I would pull away...here comes the funky scissor hold thing again...giggle...

Another thing I love is that when we are sleeping facing away from each other...we HAVE to be touching somehow. It has been this way every since we were dating. It can be as simple as just our feet touching....or as complex as our backs together with the funky scissor hold thing going.

Our showers together are fabulous. They are fun, sexy, slutty, and a overall positively bonding moment that we set aside almost everyday whether it is in the morning or evening. The fact that my hubby got up this am at 5:45 JUST to shower with me was priceless.

Tonight he gets all of his gear from the firehouse. His pagers, turn out gear, etc etc. Can't wait to see his sexy ass in his fireman outfit all dirty...can we just pause for a moment.......

Ok I am back from that lol.

In other news I am largly angry. I have tons of thoughts running through my head and most of them are very resentful, hateful, and angry. I am tired of not knowing what to believe, and hearing more then one side of everything. Ultimately words are words...I have lots of thoughts on this and when I can actually relay them I will.

Hubby, you have given and shown me love. You have been dedicated to me and to ALL that I need from the moment I met you. We have grown, changed, loved, cried, yelled, and been together so much now that I can not imagine my life without you and honestly know in my heart that even when you are angry......you would never leave.

Another rant coming really soon.....the word TRUE....that word pisses me off and honestly I am tired of people in the community saying things like "true sub" "true slave" "true Grand fuckin pooba" DO NOT use that word around me...because it is bullshit. No one and nothing are true anything....once again it is just a word, a label....and I will tell you all something else...do not ever say to me that I can not or will not be a "true" anything...because I have worked hard to get where I am at, the person I am, the submissive or slave that I am, etc etc. I am proud of my service, my love, my SELF and NO ONE will ever take that from me...if you don't think I am TRUE then you don't deserve knowing me in the first place.

That concludes my rants for this moment of the day.....later I will be posting one of my fantasies.....oh boy....

Frogs

I am sitting at the table in the kitchen and I can hear the frogs singing. It makes me sad.....

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had major issues and needed to be on bedrest. I could shuffle my big ol self out to the couch, or bed...that was it. I had nothing out the window to look at except the neighbors house. One day my husband comes home and pulls me outside to the front yard and plops my big ol butt in a lawn chair. He grabs his shovel and pix ax and begins to dig a hole in our yard (not the best thing to do when your wife is pregnant and flipping out) He put in this beautiful pond. Planted 24 flowers around it, fountain, lights the whole bit. As he helped me back inside he said....."I wanted to give you something pretty to look at" The frogs down here of course love it this time of year and every night we are blessed with the beautiful song of the frogs. Late at night we sit on the porch, listen to the frogs, watch the fountain, and share our last few moments together each day.....

I hear the frogs out there tonight....and I am both sad and angry....I haven't been out there to sit since Thursday of last week......

I am going to bed....yet again feeling hurt, angry and confused. Tomorrow it is back to school and hopefully lunch with AG.....He has promised to teach me how to shoot a gun. It has been a very long time and I want to learn again. This upcoming weekend Pagan Picnic....I was really looking forward to it but now I may not even bother............


Good night all...pleasant dreams

220

Let me start off by saying...Aarrrrrrggggggghhhhh! There I feel some what better. (not really) Today started my summer semester back at school, and I have to just say first of all it was great to see AG again. We fell back into the easy back and forth insult and banter we have grown accustomed to and all was right in the world...lol (once again not really)

ETHICS ROCKS!!!!!! That teacher totally kicks butt and he said a quote that really spoke to me "To go somewhere you may have to get lost first" hmmmmmm totally fits me right now I think. The only down side is he looks like the long lost twin of my last Dominant "D" but that is ok...kind of gave me a chuckle. I have the thought that this class may just get me all riled up. It's great.

ALGEBRA SUCKS!!!!!!! Okay well the teacher is really nice, explains things really slow, but we have 220 problems due TOMORROW. His theory is if we do a chapter Mon-Wed then Thurs we can have the test and then 3 days off before we start again. It works in theory but 220!!!!

I am so tired of having to break my last few days down into chunks...one day, one hour, one minute at a time...now one math problem at a time. Blah....

Very tired and thinking about laying down for a nap...but instead I will return some phone calls and get going on my 220.

See you soon

HI HO HI HO Its off to school I go..............It will be nice to have something else to focus on...plus I get to see my good friend AG who has been touring the world since our last semester ended. He says he has gotten me some t-shirts......he is such a smart ass I just bet he has...lol

My other friend N is ging back to school for the first time in over 30...count them 30 years. I am nervous for her. There is one more friend who has helped me get started, been my sounding board, my support, and my humor when I have none...and she will be at a different campus today WTF??? I mean really.

In other news my short new haircut...no hairspray...UGH....but that is ok that I have something totally mundane and girlie to worry about.

Ethics and Algebra here I come.....

I will post more later. Hubby and I had a nice talk this weekend........oh boy I can not wait to post about it and some new pics. I other parts of my life not so good.....health issues are still flaring up....but One day at a Time.....that's all I can do..even though this past weekend it has been one minute at a time really...

Picnic

My husband is not big on pretty words (thank Goddess at this point for that) and doesn't really show to me how much he sees or gets that I am hurting. Today I have been pretty darn mopey, not really getting much done other than the laundry. I am due to start back to school tomorrow for the next 6 weeks and have no clue how I am going to get through Algebra now....ugh. I can not even begin to get my head in the game for that, school that is.

Hubby had a few side jobs to do today, and I get a call from him that states "hey I need your help up here at the shop" So begrudgingly I go, nasty sweats, dirty t-shirt, no makeup, and my new hair cut standing straight up on end from laying around on the couch all day. In the car I go....and when I get to the shop his friend is there too. (great just what I want..another guy to see me all icky)

I get out of the car, and find out he doesn't need my help at all. He just wanted to get me out of the house and in the air. On the drive home, I am angry....and then I think....he loves me...and no matter how bad we both feel right now...no matter how much we may battle through the years...no matter how many bills we can not pay...he has NEVER GONE ANYWHERE.

I feel sad of course, dealing with the loss of love, of friendship, of things I had hoped were true. It will take me a long time to pack away those feelings.....but the picnic of Imo's today with hubby and his/my friend helped some.

If I could just pick a feeling and stick with it. I bounce back and forth from angry, sad, resentful, confused, sad, etc etc. I have moments of "screw them its their loss" as we all do when hurt....and moments of "but why?" My husband lets me cry when I need to.....but when I really start to wallow, the unhealthy kind of wallow....I get a not so gentle nudge of "suck it up buttercup"

In addition to school, and spending time with friends and family..hubby and I are planning a photo shoot for me to deal with some of my body issues. He says ny new hair color and cut are super sexy and he wants to show it off....Maybe I will post some pics....let you all decide. I do believe changes for myself and getting over issues are well overdue...

Thank you, all of you, and you know who you are. Without you all these last few days I would be worse off...just keep the tissues handy for me.....

New Beginning

I am dealing with hurt, anger, confusion and loss. Not sure where to start...things may be jumbled..things may be hard, or emotional, but I have always found blogging and getting others perspectives to be helpful. I hope you all come along with me as I find my place, heal my hurts, and find where I fit.....