My husband is not big on pretty words (thank Goddess at this point for that) and doesn't really show to me how much he sees or gets that I am hurting. Today I have been pretty darn mopey, not really getting much done other than the laundry. I am due to start back to school tomorrow for the next 6 weeks and have no clue how I am going to get through Algebra now....ugh. I can not even begin to get my head in the game for that, school that is.
Hubby had a few side jobs to do today, and I get a call from him that states "hey I need your help up here at the shop" So begrudgingly I go, nasty sweats, dirty t-shirt, no makeup, and my new hair cut standing straight up on end from laying around on the couch all day. In the car I go....and when I get to the shop his friend is there too. (great just what I want..another guy to see me all icky)
I get out of the car, and find out he doesn't need my help at all. He just wanted to get me out of the house and in the air. On the drive home, I am angry....and then I think....he loves me...and no matter how bad we both feel right now...no matter how much we may battle through the years...no matter how many bills we can not pay...he has NEVER GONE ANYWHERE.
I feel sad of course, dealing with the loss of love, of friendship, of things I had hoped were true. It will take me a long time to pack away those feelings.....but the picnic of Imo's today with hubby and his/my friend helped some.
If I could just pick a feeling and stick with it. I bounce back and forth from angry, sad, resentful, confused, sad, etc etc. I have moments of "screw them its their loss" as we all do when hurt....and moments of "but why?" My husband lets me cry when I need to.....but when I really start to wallow, the unhealthy kind of wallow....I get a not so gentle nudge of "suck it up buttercup"
In addition to school, and spending time with friends and family..hubby and I are planning a photo shoot for me to deal with some of my body issues. He says ny new hair color and cut are super sexy and he wants to show it off....Maybe I will post some pics....let you all decide. I do believe changes for myself and getting over issues are well overdue...
Thank you, all of you, and you know who you are. Without you all these last few days I would be worse off...just keep the tissues handy for me.....
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ALGEBRA! Wow. You are a better woman than me!
ReplyDeleteAnd just go for angry. The more I think on what your latest sad event boils down to, the more indignant I get.
But of course you should use that energy in a creative and positive way, and learn from this experience. xoxo