Grief

I got a call from my sponsor, to inform me that a lady who had over 22 years of sobriety, a lady we had all loved, learned from and with, and looked to for guidance and support in our program took her own life of a drug overdose last night. Honestly I am shocked, devastated, and beyond grief. This lady is someone who really took me under her wing when I walked into that first meeting and held my hand until I could love myself. She was this amazing bright light of love, sobriety and friendship and now she is gone. We do not know why and will probably never know. I miss her and have grieved for her all day. I think about all the "hard" things I am going through and to be honest they really are not shit. I think about (as we all do) "Wow not one of us is ever safe from this monster disease) This is what matters to me and always will. My sobriety, first and foremost, family, and friends. I know that without a doubt I have people out there who will always be there for me when I need them. Did she not reach out? Did she just decide to use and took it to far? Why did she not get out her list of AA support people and call? Did she call and no one answered? We will never know. No matter how much emotional pain I have, I have places to go, people to talk to.....BUT so did she. There is the point...as hard as I work at this program, and as much as I hold it dear to me....I AM NOT SAFE. I WILL NEVER BE FREE OF THIS. EVER!!!!!!! I can not for one moment allow myself to put anything or anyone else before this. Meetings will come first, support people will be called and so forth.

I am grateful to Sir for he knows how very important this is. He has lived through this demon with me, and held my hand for every step I have taken. He has even sat with me through meetings, shedding tears along side me as I found the strength in myself to get better. Am I better? Yes. Am I cured? No.

Questions run rampant in my brain today. My heart is broken for her, for her family, and for all of us who share this. I loved her and before I could do anything she is gone. I never got the chance to full force tell her how much she meant to me. Of course we talked, we laughed and emailed. I have thanked her but not truly, openly, shared with her what I really thought in my heart. Do I think that maybe my words would have saved her? No I am not that naive.....but I think that EVERYONE in this world needs to know how much they mean to you.

If there is anything I can suggest today it is this. Tell everyone how much they mean to you, whether you think they will listen, hear, or say it back....doesn't matter. If there is someone in your world that you love, tell them.....they could be gone tomorrow. They could be hurting and just need to hear something nice. Embrace them every chance you get...be it by words or hugs.

I will be there to help other alcoholics that knew her who are hurting, and also her family. This sucks.....I will never again see her face at a meeting, or hear her laughter through her emails that always seemed to jump out at you. I will always be grateful to her.....and always strive to be better daily with my demon....

Now go hug someone you love....