metromix.com

Click on St Louis and then on the bottom left is a box that says
"Get Flashed" and a click able link for Nickelback. We are close to the end of the photos I do believe it was mid concert break time.

I am so tired this am, my poor head and body both feel like they are gonna explode. Oh well, time to get ready for school. Talk to you all later

Ok so the pic of me, Sir and AG turned out great....it is posted on both my facebook and myspace. AG took one of Sir and I sitting on the lawn for a few minutes while the two men smoked (I can't stand for too long lately don't know what the deal is there) and he will be sending that one to me later this evening I do believe. Sir and I are trying to talk him into coming to the next Flog with us and oh boy I will just be too happy if that happens.

Last night Sir's pager went off 3 times again. I do not know what is happening down here but when that pager goes off I am up. Can not go back to sleep up, even after he comes home safe. Is this ever gonna get better?

Homework and school are going well. This semester is filled with research papers, Government opinion papers, and if the book store doesn't get my text book in I will scream. Thank Goddess all the teachers are understanding that the book store did not order enough to accomadate all the extra students this term.

Sir and I have been setting some new rules and protocals in place but to be honest with everything going on some days it is hard to just do the little things for him like making sure his drink is filled and cold, making sure he has all he needs and wants while here, rubbing his feet and back nightly, etc. Thankfully Sir is very understanding of both my mental and physical state lately and we have adjusted things to suit all of the happenings in the house. Soccer is starting soon again, and I am thankful that Sir's friend D is going to be assistnat coach this season because I simply can not do it.

My blue hair turned out awesome. You can not see it in the pics because it was taken at dark, but when I am out in the sun or normal light it is very cool. It took me 34 years to do something so bold with my outward appearance and I am so glad I did. I got a few compliments at school today.

Well back to the homework. Sir says he is planning a night out with play away from home here this coming week and I can not wait but hope I am up to his standards......sigh

Hugs and well wishes to you all.....missing some faces...missing some voices....missing normal life in general but what is normal for any of us?

OMG FREAKIN GODDESS

I had the absolute BEST time with Sir and AG last night. We had some pictures taken and I will be posting them on my facebook and myspace here soon.....I have not danced like that in 5 years, screamed like that in a long time, and smiled and laughed so much in one night in a long time. I love being with Sir and AG they just crack me up. AG is the best male friend I have had in years and I love to be silly with them both. The blue streaks in my hair turned out really good, and I think I will keep it this way for awhile.

This week back to school, then next weekend AG and his kids are coming out for a bbq on one of the days I think. It seems that the weeks are just going by so fast. My oldest is starting to get acne and his voice is changing. I am NOT ready for that at all.

Well I have piddled on here enough I must get back to the homework. I also have to drive up to St Louis to see gram today.......sigh.....

I really need to curl up in my cage and sleep for awhile....

All present and accounted for....

So this week at school has been rough to say the least. I am finding myself in bed earlier and earlier this week, trying to help my poor brain heal. I have been able to see AG every morning and I have a class with my friend R so I get to see her 3 times a week as well. I LOVE my English Comp teach, and my Elementary Ed teacher is a hoot (she still talks like we are all 5 year olds)

Today I am off to get my hair dyed with electric blue chunks and streaks in it and I can hardly wait. I had it cut shorter again yesterday and Sir LOVES it.

Nickelback is tonight and I will be sandwiched in between not one but 2 sexy men, insert content sigh here........

Kids are great, soccer team has been calling like crazy before the sign up sheets have to even be turned in...

Last night we had movie and game night with the kids. I am just settling into bed when Sir's emergency pager goes off. I run down the hallway with it, as he is already grabbing his shoes and gear and I hear them say "Residential First Alarm" and my heart stops. I don't want Sir to race into someones home and risk his life, BUT he has always supported me and to be honest I respect and admire him for doing this. Not many people can and he seems to excel at it.

I always thought I would not be one of those wives who sits there, gripping the scanner, listening to every beep, every tone, every report in from the guys.........well....things change I guess. I sat there on the couch, in my jammies, gripping the scanner listening to them call in all the badge numbers, report back and forth to dispatch, talk to each other...as I am also talking to the goddess just asking for Sir to come home. I always am conscious of how much he means to me, every day I tell him so, but WOW that feeling of terror and worry is not cool at all.

After about 45min I hear " Structure secure, all persons accounted for" Thank you goddess.....

He came in dirty, and stinky, covered in grime........I never thought he looked better...

Lil Bit

Second day of classes today. Madness yet again in the parking lots but better then yesterday. Class seats are filling up as quick as possible. Ugh I can not stand being shoved in with so many people but after the first 2 weeks it will thin out it always does. My Algebra homework went surprisingly well last night so we will give this teacher the full 2 weeks before I see whether I drop or not. AG and I had a long talk about it before class today and I was basically told yet again that I am not a quitter and need to remember that.

Through the years I have had tons of new "slave names" from Doms I have served and /or played with. It seems once they get to know me they pick me a new name. Sometimes it is something simple like "China doll" because my hair is so black and my skin so pale and creamy. I was told I looked like a china doll. Other times they do not have an explanation and say it just comes to them. (odd that D never gave me a name I guess my real one just suited him)

So last night Sir and I are doing separate things. I am homeworking, he is on the computer. I got up to go outside with him when he went to smoke and I went to give him a hug. "Quick cuddles?" he asked "yes Sir" Now even though Sir is my height I find myself nuzzling my head into the nape of his neck and resting my head on his shoulder. As I lay my head on his shoulder he asked "are you feeling ok lil bit?" It dawned on us both in that moment that in 8 years of marriage not once has he named me in any way shape or form......except for now.

I am His Lil bit..........and I am happy. (massively stressed out due to homework and other issues but happy, in the very core of my being)

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh

That pretty much sums up my first day of classes. My algebra teacher jumped right in, rambled on in no followable pattern, and looks like the old Mr Whipple guy from the Charmin commercials. I may NOT be staying in this class if he continues to lecture the way he does.

I added a class so now I have 6 instead of 5. Even if I drop my Algebra class (which I am not really wanting to do) I will still have enough credit hours for my grant and scholarship. I will give this guy the full 2 weeks to see.

I saw AG this morning before his classes and we talked about the upcoming concert this Saturday. He told me that if I see him talking to any girls at all I am to walk up and smack him in the head...lol.

The only bad part of the day is the parking. The college enrolled 3,000 more students then the last few years and people were parking all over the street, grass, outer road, it took me 20min to park and I got there over an hour early (after AG texted me to say you better get here fast girl) So every morning I will be getting there way freakin earlier then I have to.

Sir and I are talking about various things, daddy/little girl dynamic among others to see where He and I fit in. He has taken care of me for the entire time we have been together in all ways, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, the whole nine yards. There are things I feel around him and things I let him see in me that no one else has. I am his princess, his queen, his slut, his maid, his partner, his whore, his friend, his support, his submissive.....everything that I can do to make him happy I do and he does the same for me in return. We will be playing this weekend he told me.......part of me cannot wait and part of me could care less...I think it has been due to all the stress I have been under and my physical and emotional state have suffered because of it....

Hugs to you all........now on to homework

Army Guy

WOOHOO Army guy also known as AG on here has been a good friend of mine ever since I started college and met him in the hallway before psych class. I do not think I have any classes with him this semester but that's cool if not, we will still find time to hang out I am sure. Anyway we have tried to keep in touch these last few weeks but it has been hard with everything we both have going on in our families. A long time ago he bought Nickelback tickets for this girl he liked. (this girl was only after his money, didn't care for him at all and had a bf she didn't tell him about) So this girl worked him over good and a few weeks back did it again and disappeared. So today I get out of the shower and see that I have a missed call from him which is extremely rare before 7pm for him to call. I call back and he states that he has 3 Nickelback tickets and wants to know if my hubby and I can join him for the night (give me one moment while I fantasize about being in between AG and Sir.......ok Im back) Damn that was a yummy thought....so the only catch is is that it is the night of our local play party, gathering......whatever you wanna call it.

Now these tickets are 8th row center behind the pit. Do I really need to tell you what my decision is? I mean really? HOLY CRAP I am going to see Nickelback. With not one but 2 sexy men who have been there for me more then any other these last few months. The only thing AG wants is for us to drive, which is a small price to pay for free 8th row Nickelback tickets.....

What made it even better was when he said that I was right about this girl, and that friends like me should always come before pussy. To which I responded if I had a choice between him and the pussy I would pick the pussy...lol (can't not give him shit that just wouldn't be right, he and I are just that way with each other) He and Sir totally get along so that will make the evening fantastic too. This is the best thing to happen today so far.......yahoo.

Now not one of my kids has strep but all 3....so this little blessing of concert tickets was well needed.

The rest of my day I will be replanting some of my plants, scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom, and laundry when I should be taking it easy. I just cant sit still today for too long....maybe I am anxious about talking to Dom's of the past again? Or school starting? Who knows. When Sir comes home I have to run to the store and then we will be working in the yard if he gets home in time. Sir asked me last night how I felt about talking with all these people again and I told him honestly it makes me feel so happy and secure that I know without a doubt where my place actually is now.

Sir and I are also talking about attending the St Louis Witches Ball this year for my birthday instead of going to all the other costume parties we used to do. I am most excited about that.

Last night I get a message on yahoo from a screen name I did not recognize. Turns out it was my very first Dom ever J. HOLY CRAP STORM ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME. Sir was on the computer next to me and I told him who I was talking to and he gave me permission to go ahead and talk. I doubted it was actually him until he turned his web cam on.....WOW

Still processing that conversation in my head. I will be back tomorrow to write about it in detail. I will say we talked for at least an hour and a half if not longer. Totally mixed feelings about it.

Baby girl is feeling like a mini satan (if there is one) and acts like it to today, I can not wait for her antibiotics to kick in.

I do believe my costume idea for our next play party is ready to go...just once I would love to go in jeans and a nice low cut top instead of all dressed but hey it is not my vote. It is school girl themed and I think this time I would like to be the teacher...giggle......who knows but I have outfits for both. Sir told me I must model them for him and let him choose....but either way I will still be attending on a leash....yipee!!!!!! Leashes make me happy and calm.

Around

You know those moments, days, weeks when you feel like nothing is going in your favor and everything you do is wrong? Well...you guessed it..that has been my life ever since last Monday with the news of my grandmother. She is still here on Earth, but slipping. Some days she seems to be "better" although I know that is not the case and some days, I just leave in tears unable to even process my thoughts.

Sir has been wonderful, and even though I have had tons of moments when I have lost my place with him he has talked me through it (not always calmly or nicely in my favor but we have always talked about it) He opened up to me about his own dads passing and all the feelings he went through(he speaks of his father sparsely) which was amazing for me that he did that for me....showing me that all of the feelings, and thoughts I have are not wrong but very normal for one who is having someone they love wither away before them. He and I also talked about the lacking of "play" type qualities with us, which has made me feel very sad and out of sorts as well...but then he explained to me(although he did not have to) that he is worried about all this stress on me, on my health both physical and mental and that he does not want to have me dropping while I am already down and he is away at work. It makes perfect sense and I was thankful he explained instead of me just wandering around wondering if I had done something wrong. Everyday that I am around him and fully open up to him my heart and feelings, the love I get back just astounds me. I could not want for a better husband or partner.....

I had a nice talk with D my former Dom and that was nice. He had heard about what is occurring with my grandma and since he still cares about me and for me wanted to check in and see if there was anything he could do. We talked about guilt, how I have been feeling as a mom and granddaughter, there never seems to be enough hours to feel like I am caring for everyone who needs it. We talked about how I can still take them to the zoo, or to the races even though our summer breaks are over. My health comes first he said, and time with grandma. He told me that Sir B understands what it is that I need, always has, and is always going to be there for me no matter how much time I am unable to spend with him at the moment. (D has a great understanding of the love, commitment, and support that Sir and I feel for each other, the two of them were pretty good at relating to each other...it was nice) It was good to see that D and I could talk easily and openly.....questions of a possible friendship were brought up but only time will tell about that. Sir gave me tons of hugs and love before going to the firehouse for training tonight.

Tomorrow I have a function at my college. I am going to be on the Student Advisory Board for the group I am in, and I am looking forward to focusing back on my studies. 13 credit hours, 3 kids, sick family members, Sir, and everything else that I do...not to mention that our soccer sign up sheet came today and since I am Assistant Coach.....you guessed it...more on my plate.

I wonder if Sir taped my mouth and eyes shut so I can not ball like crazy the next day if he would beat the crap outta me.....yeah I didn't think so either lol. Although, he has gotten very creative with our rituals, and things I am to do at all times with him and that has been work enough sometimes it seems (but good work) I am NEVER to speak to him with my arms crossed in front of me, but behind my back at all times so that no part of me ever is closed off from him. (i like this one that was something I did a lot with him before) We are going to try to go to this months play party and gathering depending on my gram of course...I was informed I will be in collar and leash.......(happy dance just for that) Sometimes it is the really small things that we do that make me feel most submissive and grateful....

I am still here and still running up to the city and back on a daily basis. I will be posting later today about some thoughts and feelings I have been tossing around. Thanks for checking in with me and I will be writing more later


Hugs

Hospitals

I have decided I have spent way way too much time in hospitals lately. On Monday my mother called me to inform me that my grandmother was being taken to Des Peres. I get the kids in the car and race to the hospital (Sir had already beat me there and met me outside) Sir takes one look at me and says "you need to get in there now, kids and I will be here" and off I ran. For 3 days and 2 nights I have sat there listening to the bleep of machines, and the raspy breathing of my grandmother. She has COPD and has virtually no oxygen in her lungs at all. She has been on a bipap machine that is helping her breathe and essentially we are just waiting for the end according to her lab results and dr. Today they took her off the machine due to her DNR and living will and we are waiting to see what happens with it all. I have been leaving the hospital at 3am and driving an hour back home to grab a shower, maybe a quick nap and back to the hospital. Sir has been doing double and triple duty with the kids and work and I could not love him more for it.He stays up until I get home to try to talk to me and give me hugs and words of support. My mother is a wreck, I am a wreck and I miss my kids and Sir terribly. I miss the lady my grandmother was to me and for our family for so many years. She was a perfect submissive woman, she could take care of her kids, clean and wash the house sparkly, and make a good hot meal all by 4pm. She squirreled away money and then spent it on my grandfathers first boat for him. This woman taught me strength when I had no more so many times in life. She helped raise me when my mother was to drunk or to busy to do it, and now she is slipping away and I can do nothing but continue to sit there, or wander the hospital halls at odd hours of the night or morning, listening to the bleep of machines and trying to help my mom deal to. I sit here now and wait for Sir to get home so I may travel up there again. I used to wonder how Grandma could sit there at my grandfathers bedside for hours upon hours when he was sick, and now I know. It was pure love for him....like I have for her

The rooster is saved.....the weekend has been relaxing..........hubby is working a side job today....and I will be watching movies and laying around with the kids.....I have been thinking of a few past relationships that have tried to come back into my life........and I have to say that I smile now when I think of them............but that is all. For some people who are in your life or have been..........the past is the best possible place for them to stay. It is nice to hear amends, and words of apology...but when it is all said and done I have to much going on in my life to give a second chance....I have to much that drains my energy and takes up my time. I have found my strength....partly due to my own hard work and partly due to some wonderful people who have given me freedoms and told me it is ok to be me (and you know who you are)

Better, stronger, independent, smart, funny, passionate, ME.....I thank them for all they have given BUT have no need for any of the hurts they can cause me. Forward always forward....those who deserve to be in my life never really leave in the first place.......