Around

You know those moments, days, weeks when you feel like nothing is going in your favor and everything you do is wrong? Well...you guessed it..that has been my life ever since last Monday with the news of my grandmother. She is still here on Earth, but slipping. Some days she seems to be "better" although I know that is not the case and some days, I just leave in tears unable to even process my thoughts.

Sir has been wonderful, and even though I have had tons of moments when I have lost my place with him he has talked me through it (not always calmly or nicely in my favor but we have always talked about it) He opened up to me about his own dads passing and all the feelings he went through(he speaks of his father sparsely) which was amazing for me that he did that for me....showing me that all of the feelings, and thoughts I have are not wrong but very normal for one who is having someone they love wither away before them. He and I also talked about the lacking of "play" type qualities with us, which has made me feel very sad and out of sorts as well...but then he explained to me(although he did not have to) that he is worried about all this stress on me, on my health both physical and mental and that he does not want to have me dropping while I am already down and he is away at work. It makes perfect sense and I was thankful he explained instead of me just wandering around wondering if I had done something wrong. Everyday that I am around him and fully open up to him my heart and feelings, the love I get back just astounds me. I could not want for a better husband or partner.....

I had a nice talk with D my former Dom and that was nice. He had heard about what is occurring with my grandma and since he still cares about me and for me wanted to check in and see if there was anything he could do. We talked about guilt, how I have been feeling as a mom and granddaughter, there never seems to be enough hours to feel like I am caring for everyone who needs it. We talked about how I can still take them to the zoo, or to the races even though our summer breaks are over. My health comes first he said, and time with grandma. He told me that Sir B understands what it is that I need, always has, and is always going to be there for me no matter how much time I am unable to spend with him at the moment. (D has a great understanding of the love, commitment, and support that Sir and I feel for each other, the two of them were pretty good at relating to each other...it was nice) It was good to see that D and I could talk easily and openly.....questions of a possible friendship were brought up but only time will tell about that. Sir gave me tons of hugs and love before going to the firehouse for training tonight.

Tomorrow I have a function at my college. I am going to be on the Student Advisory Board for the group I am in, and I am looking forward to focusing back on my studies. 13 credit hours, 3 kids, sick family members, Sir, and everything else that I do...not to mention that our soccer sign up sheet came today and since I am Assistant Coach.....you guessed it...more on my plate.

I wonder if Sir taped my mouth and eyes shut so I can not ball like crazy the next day if he would beat the crap outta me.....yeah I didn't think so either lol. Although, he has gotten very creative with our rituals, and things I am to do at all times with him and that has been work enough sometimes it seems (but good work) I am NEVER to speak to him with my arms crossed in front of me, but behind my back at all times so that no part of me ever is closed off from him. (i like this one that was something I did a lot with him before) We are going to try to go to this months play party and gathering depending on my gram of course...I was informed I will be in collar and leash.......(happy dance just for that) Sometimes it is the really small things that we do that make me feel most submissive and grateful....