Aaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

Ok so my daughters ear drops cause her to roll around and convulse like some kind of devil child, while she is screaming like someone poured water on her and she is the wicked witch....so put NUMEROUS calls into the specialist and her pediatrician. No answer yet pretty pissed about it.

AG, his kids and my whole fam is supposed to go this weekend to the river and bbq, swim and hang out. Goddess that will be nice.

I was approached by a past Dom today, who blatantly asked me to either be his slave again, or at the very least have an affair with him. Needless to say after all the vicious, cruel, hateful things he did to me..............he was pretty much laughed at and told not on your life would I do that to my husband and never in a million years with you. Hubby just kind of laughed and said "well everyone wants my girl but I am the one who has her" (damn right baby)

Hubby and I keep growing closer and better together. Our love is amazing, and little things like general manners that we would give to a stranger or a friend we now do and say with each other and you would be AMAZED at the difference it has created. Last night when he got home from the firehouse we sat and watched all 3 episodes of Drop Dead Diva and laughed together. We have a new favorite "fluff" show to watch together. There is no where else I would rather be late at night then curled up in his arms, as he strokes my arms, neck and hair telling me how much he loves me. Those amazing little butterflies come a flutter when he pulls into the driveway, or when he smiles at me.

Yesterday I went to see my mom and it was ROUGH. She was in all of her full glory with her drinking and her mental issues and by the time I got home I was pretty upset. Hubby had to go to the firehouse but he pulled me into the shower with him and hugged me tight and said "no matter how old you get she is still your mom and it will still hurt" He tried to get me to talk about it but I was not ready so he did the next best thing which was just hold me so I could cry. He is truly amazing and I am so grateful for him.

Now help me SAVE THE ROOSTER!!!!!!! We have a rooster that is my hubby's bud It rides on his lawnmower, his shoulder, and follows him around. We have had it for 4 years and he has started to crow. We can not have a crowing rooster in city limits. I called all around and finally got a home for him so that we do not have to "axe" him. Now before anyone goes off we raise our chickens from babies for their eggs and their meat. It is the only chicken we eat. I do not agree with hubby wanting to kill this one. Above all it is his choice, but this is like one of our dogs to him and I know this. I am rallying to save his life and let him go live with his fireman buddy D (who may be joining us at Flog next month) If you know my hubby, help me convince him not to kill this one. Not by doing the whole "killing animals is wrong thing" but by the "this is like one of your other pets" thing. I know we raise them for this exact purpose but this one has been very different....I know confusing...even to me I am usually the first one to plan what kind of chicken dinner we are gonna have.....sorry my veg friends...I am who I am...

Day 2 of SAVE THE ROOSTER is under way.......giggle

So tonight I am here in the quiet house, hubby is out working on a side job, kids in bed, baby girl fighting me like an angry bear to put her drops in....and I finally sit down to have a bite to eat and relax some (i eat and sleep at odd times now) and I stumble across the movie "Sleeping with the enemy" I LOVE this movie about domestic abuse and watch it when I find it on. It got me thinking (as I do about weird stuff now from time to time) I began to think about all the women who go through domestic abuse and can or can not get out. I was one of those women. I was 17 and lived who a guy who did horrible cruel nasty things to me and not in the good sense that I love today...lol. I could not live with my mother due to her alcoholism and mental issues so I was pretty much stuck. I had to drop out of my senior year in high school and every day would fight for my life. Everyday I hoped that things were how he liked, and how hopefully he would not be so damn cruel or mean.

The night it ended my friend Johnny (who has since died due to a drug overdose) broke in the door, and found me in the kitchen in a pool of blood...G with the hammer still in his hand, my head split open. I was scooped up and rushed to the hospital and then all hell broke loose like it does.

I have known several of my friends who have been in horrible, controlling, abusive "relationships" and some of them had help getting out and some of them had to steal away in the night with nothing more then their clothes. I try to help these women now when I run across one.

Now I love bdsm. I love the power I give, the exchange that I encounter, and the control I let go of. I can take many blows to my body, and am a most "good girl" to those I serve. I do this now because I am the one who is in control this time. I say who and what I let beat me. I TRUST in those who touch me, and I know them well in advance of any type of play. There are those who can casually play with others and that is fantastic, I always kind of envied their free-ness....but for me, because of my history, I can not. The beatings to me are cathartic, healing, and needed. If I trust you great, if you break my trust you either play hell trying to earn it back with me, or I am never again touched by you PERIOD. It is MY say now and that gives me an immense feeling of safety and security.

There are those in my life who do not understand the difference, and what this exchange means to me...and then there are those like my hubby who continue to grow, change, ebb and flow with me no matter what, and he CONSISTENTLY stands by my side and loves me no matter what comes out. It has been an amazingly rough couple of weeks, and things have been stressful for all in my home to say the least but life is where it needs to be. Through great illness, struggle, financial difficulty, time, whatever you may be dealing with that may test you........if you are truly, deeply, wonderfully loved like I am....you will make it through.

Now if I can just get the angry bear to take her drops......ugh

Baby girl is home and well.

I have been working on a post that was inspired by some recent negative comments and gossip, that I have been wanting to post for QUITE awhile but never felt like it was the right time.

It is time I think for me to let it go and say what I have to say....

Look for it in the next few days.....I must take care of the child and myself first

So busy week so far and all I wanna do is sleep lol.

Monday is the babies surgery and even though it is a minor deal.....you know mothers and their nerves (although hubby took the whole day off work so he is worried to) This weekend he and I will be spoiling her rotten and enjoying our time with the kids. I do believe he signed up for shift at the firehouse though for Saturday day and Sunday day but not sure.

I added some new pics to my myspace page and was able to talk to AG today he has been in Washington all week and has actually called me twice. WTF? He even called to let me know he landed safely I mean really.....lol When he gets back we are all taking the kids to the river for the weekend provided all goes with with baby girls surgery. He also is still teaching me to shoot.

My friend N had a wild night the other day while I just sat back and watched and then helped her clean herself off when I got her home...I do not miss those days at all really.....

I am going to Pointfest in August come Hell or High water no matter how bad I may be feeling.....trying to get a group of friends to go...that would be awesome and just what I need...Hell yah!!!!

Got a B+ in Ethics WOOHOO..............That guy was hard...whew....now to track him down and get my paper grade....

Hugs

PS D and I have talked through email and he wants to get together face to face and talk.....hmmmm

I have found that when you stay out with a friend until 3am......that it is very hard to get up in the morning...or get your hubby up on time for work.....Sorry baby...ugh

I do not even drink and this morning has been rough already...can't imagine how bad she feels today lol..........

Now I must hurry up, get kids ready and up to St Louis .........

Coffee IV anyone???????

Post about my adventure later.......

Anyone who has kids will so appreciate this conversation that took place between my hubby and our 7 year old son N while hubby was shaving last night before bed.....

"Why are you shaving"
"Because I need to so my cpap mask will fit right"
"Does your shaving cream smell"
"No"
" Why not"
"Because I got unscented"
"Why do you have to wear your mask"
"Because I stop breathing if I don't"
"You didn't wear your mask last night and you slept just fine"
"No I didn't I tossed and turned all night and stopped breathing a few times I am sure"
"Why didn't mom put your mask on"
"I dunno"
"Dad, you are wasting water when you leave it run like that" (my favorite)
"But I am using it, see I have to rinse the hair out of my razor"
"You have shave cream on your ear"
"Ok I am not done yet"
"You have some on your neck too"
"Ok son" (as he is trying to shave)
"You have some on your earring too"
"Thank you son"
"So when I grow up do I have to shave too"
"Sure"
"Well I like you scruffy"
"Well so does mom but then my mask doesn't fit right"
"Dad, you are still wasting water"

It went on like that for about 20minutes, back and forth with me just laying in bed and listening to the whole thing. They talked about school, and dad being a fireman, riding bikes, and all sorts of stuff. It was great to hear them fire back and forth with each other. N asking real questions as dad shaves, and dad answering them just as fast. I love to hear it...made me smile all tucked in the covers listening to 2 out of my 3 favorite boys......

Life is good for the most part.....

Today has turned out to be splendid...so far....I have had a nice long chat with someone who means more to me then they will ever know...........it was unexpected and surprising and pleasant. I am smiling now....

Guess I am easy to forget

Schools out for summer

WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO

I promise I will post more later..........

I am frustrated to the point of sheer anger and restlessness

I need a vacation BADLY

I need to just disappear for awhile and sit my big ass down in the sand, or curl up under a hotel room blanket and get gobs of room service

I need to be beaten and fucked senseless

I need to be held and stroked and sweet nothings whispered in my ear

I need things I can not even mention here because whew some of them are down right naughty and some of them you all would be shaking your heads

I need some of the people in my life to grow the fuck up, get their business out of my business and get their own lives

I need to create a Bucket List..................hmmmmm maybe I will post it tomorrow

So yesterday I had the chance to spend the day with a woman who has been a friend, confidant, and all kinds of other things for over 9 years of my life. I met her at school so many many years ago and everything just fell into place. She was such a huge part of my life for so long, and we spent almost every weekend together even after we moved pretty far apart. I live south of St Louis and she lives in St Charles now. This woman had my heart in ways that I didn't think until she and I could not be around each other anymore. (her hubby has major issues) I met my husband through her, well them, and she has ALWAYS been there for me. Even if it was a period of us not talking so much if something has happened to me, she has dropped everything and been here. (kinda cool when that happens) So anyway she is in a coven, which I have been invited to join, and yesterday we went and hung out....grabbed coffee, walked Main Street, giggled, talked, cried, laughed, sat by the water, and spent pretty much the whole day together. (oh yeah we shopped too) In the evening we went to the coven meeting and boy was that something....felt like home in so many ways....

This lady is someone who has been in my life, and then left, and then come back, and then left etc etc.......and I was talking to her about a recent loss of love I have experienced and made the comment "if i am so goddamn fabulous and dynamic then why do people who "love" me keep leaving" and she got quiet. We walked for awhile and then she pulled me in the direction of the water and we sat. Her words to me were this ....

"I can not speak for the others, but for me, when I have left you, it was like a part of me had died. I thought of you every day, missed you terribly, and eventually I just couldnt stay away from you anymore. Everyone who has walked away, who has truly been connected to you emotionally, has tried to come back, or has at the very least become your friend again. I know that for me, you are someone that you don't even know that you need in your life until you are gone. Once you are gone, life sucks...lol" She clarified so many things for me yesterday with several situations, and there are things I wish I could say to people but there is really no point. If it is meant to happen, that I get a chance to speak my mind....it will. It was freaky in a way that she could echo the same feelings or sentiments that were spoken to me by others....both about me....and how they felt/feel about me, or about the fact that eventually one day.....they know they will be back (and so far each and every one of them has like she said at the very least been a good friend)

After the meeting we went to get food and coffee and we talked of her marriage. It is not good. No matter how much they truly focus on each other he continues to treat her the same. I feel so bad for her, but at the same time it made me immensely grateful that my husband HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME FOR ME FROM DAY ONE AND CONTINUES TO DO SO.....

As her and I finished up, and we watched a little old couple walk in, sit down and share their meal....She said I can totally see you and B being like that, hell you already are.....but I don't see that anymore with G" It is sad when people stay together for kids, or because it is comfort, because they have done it for so long....

I know she will continue to be in my life, some people are just meant to be...no matter how much time apart you always seem to come together....that is pretty awesome...

I came home and sat Sir down and told him that I have no more doubt as to his love, dedication, or devotion to me. For whatever it is I did to deserve him........I am glad I did it. We spent the entire evening in bed together.....with all ranges of emotions and passions...tears resulted for me (which is a huge indicator of an intense emotional connection, tears after orgasm or during = good stuff)

Today back up to St Louis for dinner with the sister in law for a belated bday celebration for my youngest son. I will be pouring over Algebra and writing my Ethics paper for the umpteenth time.....4 more days of school then weeks off...........woohoo......

I have tons of things rattling around in my head, and tons of things to write about...but some will be done in my private journal for the reasons of them being...just a tad too personal to divulge here just yet.

The short of it today is I am tired, ungodly tired, and emotionally raw. I am stressed to the point of just not giving much of a shit about anything...but I also know it is because of some recent news I have received and things that life has thrown our way. I want to curl up at Sir's feet and just be for more than 5 minutes at any given time, but since this is the last week of school, that is not possible. My paper was coming along splendidly..........and now has been torn apart and started over by me. I am beginning to hate this Ethics class (but not really)

Gonna lay down I am too tired to focus on anything..........will write more after nap when maybe I can process more clearly.....

Thanks for hanging in......

For those of you checking in I am alive lol. I have been super busy this weekend, when I should have honestly just laid on my butt and rested. I was able to spend the 4th with Sir and the kids due to the weather the fireworks show that he had to go work got canceled. Yipee for me because it seems this last week he and I have had all of 10 minutes together. I have changed my Ethics paper to military torture of prisoners so have to redo all of my research but this topic gets me all kinds of riled up...which is the kind of paper he wants. I will not put my own thoughts about this here, but being very close to some of our military men who have seen and been through horrible things....well.... (clears throat and relaxes)

I will post more tomorrow. It is my middle child's birthday. He will be 7....oh boy could be a weepy mom post tomorrow or something else I have been chewing on in my head....either way...could be a largely emotional day so who knows.

I set up my altar today in my bedroom and it is beautiful. All the pieces came together beautifully. It brings me peace to see it, and touch the things on it. All of the pieces on it have been given to me by people who are in my life now or have been and are now part of my past....maybe that is the reason they are now in my past? Maybe they will come back? Maybe the love and energy in this altar is what I am supposed to carry from them all for my future? Maybe they will one day again be part of my future? Then again maybe it was all given to me because I am broke? lmao Seriously though...I have to thank each and everyone of them for the magical gifts I was given. Things from Sir B, and my dear friend R, something from Chelle, V and his wife, P and his wife, and even from my very Catholic Dom from the past D. A little piece of tons of love.........

Blessed be

Wont be around tomorrow so I leave you all with this...............




"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without consent"
Eleanor Roosevelt

Some things just really do not surprise me anymore, some people totally have in the best possible ways, and some people......

Things in my life are changing rapidly....health issues...ugh.. and school however.....


I got a 99 on my last ALGEBRA test KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!