So tonight I am here in the quiet house, hubby is out working on a side job, kids in bed, baby girl fighting me like an angry bear to put her drops in....and I finally sit down to have a bite to eat and relax some (i eat and sleep at odd times now) and I stumble across the movie "Sleeping with the enemy" I LOVE this movie about domestic abuse and watch it when I find it on. It got me thinking (as I do about weird stuff now from time to time) I began to think about all the women who go through domestic abuse and can or can not get out. I was one of those women. I was 17 and lived who a guy who did horrible cruel nasty things to me and not in the good sense that I love today...lol. I could not live with my mother due to her alcoholism and mental issues so I was pretty much stuck. I had to drop out of my senior year in high school and every day would fight for my life. Everyday I hoped that things were how he liked, and how hopefully he would not be so damn cruel or mean.

The night it ended my friend Johnny (who has since died due to a drug overdose) broke in the door, and found me in the kitchen in a pool of blood...G with the hammer still in his hand, my head split open. I was scooped up and rushed to the hospital and then all hell broke loose like it does.

I have known several of my friends who have been in horrible, controlling, abusive "relationships" and some of them had help getting out and some of them had to steal away in the night with nothing more then their clothes. I try to help these women now when I run across one.

Now I love bdsm. I love the power I give, the exchange that I encounter, and the control I let go of. I can take many blows to my body, and am a most "good girl" to those I serve. I do this now because I am the one who is in control this time. I say who and what I let beat me. I TRUST in those who touch me, and I know them well in advance of any type of play. There are those who can casually play with others and that is fantastic, I always kind of envied their free-ness....but for me, because of my history, I can not. The beatings to me are cathartic, healing, and needed. If I trust you great, if you break my trust you either play hell trying to earn it back with me, or I am never again touched by you PERIOD. It is MY say now and that gives me an immense feeling of safety and security.

There are those in my life who do not understand the difference, and what this exchange means to me...and then there are those like my hubby who continue to grow, change, ebb and flow with me no matter what, and he CONSISTENTLY stands by my side and loves me no matter what comes out. It has been an amazingly rough couple of weeks, and things have been stressful for all in my home to say the least but life is where it needs to be. Through great illness, struggle, financial difficulty, time, whatever you may be dealing with that may test you........if you are truly, deeply, wonderfully loved like I am....you will make it through.

Now if I can just get the angry bear to take her drops......ugh