Beauty

Im Back!!!!!

2009-09-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well geez, I did not realize how much time has gone by since I have been here. WOW School and my ill grandmother have taken up so much of my time. Good news is my school is fantastic this semester. I have A's in each of my classes except for Algebra but I got a B on my last test so WOOHOO. All this hard work is certainly paying off. Everyday AG and I meet before class and have a nice quiet hour or two together to talk about whatever, school, family, kids, partners what have you. It is nice. I also get to see my friend R in my M,W, and F class so that is nice too.

My husband is working hard at the firehouse and we have decided that when I am done in school he is going to enroll to become an EMT/Paramedic. He is doing fabulously and really seems to have found a new calling and I am so proud.

As far as bdsm, well that has been at a stand still. There are so many things in my life that are so important, and I am spreading myself so thin that Sir/husband and I have been moving very very slowly at times but that is ok. That is what I feel I need and he has taken very very good care of me and I him in return. We are debating going to the monthly gathering on Saturday but will probably not make it. Sir has a Fireman's Rally all day down by where we live and they are having games, awards, competitons, etc etc for all the local fire departments. It will be an all day long family fun filled event so it depends on how we feel afterwards.

I am in the middle. I miss it(bdsm) and then I don't. I feel I need it and then I feel I dont anymore. I feel lost but I don't. Strange really...........I promise I will post tomorrow am and clue you in to what has been going on with me personally a little more.....

Hugs........

2009-09-02T13:19:00.001-07:00

Still here and yes I have neglected this blog but there are just so many things to write about that I do not know where to start really. Just gathering my thoughts I guess....

Promise more to come...very soon.........maybe tomorrow once I get this essay done for English Comp

2009-08-25T04:29:00.000-07:00

metromix.com

Click on St Louis and then on the bottom left is a box that says
"Get Flashed" and a click able link for Nickelback. We are close to the end of the photos I do believe it was mid concert break time.

I am so tired this am, my poor head and body both feel like they are gonna explode. Oh well, time to get ready for school. Talk to you all later

2009-08-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ok so the pic of me, Sir and AG turned out great....it is posted on both my facebook and myspace. AG took one of Sir and I sitting on the lawn for a few minutes while the two men smoked (I can't stand for too long lately don't know what the deal is there) and he will be sending that one to me later this evening I do believe. Sir and I are trying to talk him into coming to the next Flog with us and oh boy I will just be too happy if that happens.

Last night Sir's pager went off 3 times again. I do not know what is happening down here but when that pager goes off I am up. Can not go back to sleep up, even after he comes home safe. Is this ever gonna get better?

Homework and school are going well. This semester is filled with research papers, Government opinion papers, and if the book store doesn't get my text book in I will scream. Thank Goddess all the teachers are understanding that the book store did not order enough to accomadate all the extra students this term.

Sir and I have been setting some new rules and protocals in place but to be honest with everything going on some days it is hard to just do the little things for him like making sure his drink is filled and cold, making sure he has all he needs and wants while here, rubbing his feet and back nightly, etc. Thankfully Sir is very understanding of both my mental and physical state lately and we have adjusted things to suit all of the happenings in the house. Soccer is starting soon again, and I am thankful that Sir's friend D is going to be assistnat coach this season because I simply can not do it.

My blue hair turned out awesome. You can not see it in the pics because it was taken at dark, but when I am out in the sun or normal light it is very cool. It took me 34 years to do something so bold with my outward appearance and I am so glad I did. I got a few compliments at school today.

Well back to the homework. Sir says he is planning a night out with play away from home here this coming week and I can not wait but hope I am up to his standards......sigh

Hugs and well wishes to you all.....missing some faces...missing some voices....missing normal life in general but what is normal for any of us?

OMG FREAKIN GODDESS

2009-08-23T11:22:00.000-07:00

I had the absolute BEST time with Sir and AG last night. We had some pictures taken and I will be posting them on my facebook and myspace here soon.....I have not danced like that in 5 years, screamed like that in a long time, and smiled and laughed so much in one night in a long time. I love being with Sir and AG they just crack me up. AG is the best male friend I have had in years and I love to be silly with them both. The blue streaks in my hair turned out really good, and I think I will keep it this way for awhile.

This week back to school, then next weekend AG and his kids are coming out for a bbq on one of the days I think. It seems that the weeks are just going by so fast. My oldest is starting to get acne and his voice is changing. I am NOT ready for that at all.

Well I have piddled on here enough I must get back to the homework. I also have to drive up to St Louis to see gram today.......sigh.....

I really need to curl up in my cage and sleep for awhile....

All present and accounted for....

2009-08-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

So this week at school has been rough to say the least. I am finding myself in bed earlier and earlier this week, trying to help my poor brain heal. I have been able to see AG every morning and I have a class with my friend R so I get to see her 3 times a week as well. I LOVE my English Comp teach, and my Elementary Ed teacher is a hoot (she still talks like we are all 5 year olds)

Today I am off to get my hair dyed with electric blue chunks and streaks in it and I can hardly wait. I had it cut shorter again yesterday and Sir LOVES it.

Nickelback is tonight and I will be sandwiched in between not one but 2 sexy men, insert content sigh here........

Kids are great, soccer team has been calling like crazy before the sign up sheets have to even be turned in...

Last night we had movie and game night with the kids. I am just settling into bed when Sir's emergency pager goes off. I run down the hallway with it, as he is already grabbing his shoes and gear and I hear them say "Residential First Alarm" and my heart stops. I don't want Sir to race into someones home and risk his life, BUT he has always supported me and to be honest I respect and admire him for doing this. Not many people can and he seems to excel at it.

I always thought I would not be one of those wives who sits there, gripping the scanner, listening to every beep, every tone, every report in from the guys.........well....things change I guess. I sat there on the couch, in my jammies, gripping the scanner listening to them call in all the badge numbers, report back and forth to dispatch, talk to each other...as I am also talking to the goddess just asking for Sir to come home. I always am conscious of how much he means to me, every day I tell him so, but WOW that feeling of terror and worry is not cool at all.

After about 45min I hear " Structure secure, all persons accounted for" Thank you goddess.....

He came in dirty, and stinky, covered in grime........I never thought he looked better...

Lil Bit

2009-08-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Second day of classes today. Madness yet again in the parking lots but better then yesterday. Class seats are filling up as quick as possible. Ugh I can not stand being shoved in with so many people but after the first 2 weeks it will thin out it always does. My Algebra homework went surprisingly well last night so we will give this teacher the full 2 weeks before I see whether I drop or not. AG and I had a long talk about it before class today and I was basically told yet again that I am not a quitter and need to remember that.

Through the years I have had tons of new "slave names" from Doms I have served and /or played with. It seems once they get to know me they pick me a new name. Sometimes it is something simple like "China doll" because my hair is so black and my skin so pale and creamy. I was told I looked like a china doll. Other times they do not have an explanation and say it just comes to them. (odd that D never gave me a name I guess my real one just suited him)

So last night Sir and I are doing separate things. I am homeworking, he is on the computer. I got up to go outside with him when he went to smoke and I went to give him a hug. "Quick cuddles?" he asked "yes Sir" Now even though Sir is my height I find myself nuzzling my head into the nape of his neck and resting my head on his shoulder. As I lay my head on his shoulder he asked "are you feeling ok lil bit?" It dawned on us both in that moment that in 8 years of marriage not once has he named me in any way shape or form......except for now.

I am His Lil bit..........and I am happy. (massively stressed out due to homework and other issues but happy, in the very core of my being)

2009-08-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh

That pretty much sums up my first day of classes. My algebra teacher jumped right in, rambled on in no followable pattern, and looks like the old Mr Whipple guy from the Charmin commercials. I may NOT be staying in this class if he continues to lecture the way he does.

I added a class so now I have 6 instead of 5. Even if I drop my Algebra class (which I am not really wanting to do) I will still have enough credit hours for my grant and scholarship. I will give this guy the full 2 weeks to see.

I saw AG this morning before his classes and we talked about the upcoming concert this Saturday. He told me that if I see him talking to any girls at all I am to walk up and smack him in the head...lol.

The only bad part of the day is the parking. The college enrolled 3,000 more students then the last few years and people were parking all over the street, grass, outer road, it took me 20min to park and I got there over an hour early (after AG texted me to say you better get here fast girl) So every morning I will be getting there way freakin earlier then I have to.

Sir and I are talking about various things, daddy/little girl dynamic among others to see where He and I fit in. He has taken care of me for the entire time we have been together in all ways, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, the whole nine yards. There are things I feel around him and things I let him see in me that no one else has. I am his princess, his queen, his slut, his maid, his partner, his whore, his friend, his support, his submissive.....everything that I can do to make him happy I do and he does the same for me in return. We will be playing this weekend he told me.......part of me cannot wait and part of me could care less...I think it has been due to all the stress I have been under and my physical and emotional state have suffered because of it....

Hugs to you all........now on to homework

Army Guy

2009-08-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

WOOHOO Army guy also known as AG on here has been a good friend of mine ever since I started college and met him in the hallway before psych class. I do not think I have any classes with him this semester but that's cool if not, we will still find time to hang out I am sure. Anyway we have tried to keep in touch these last few weeks but it has been hard with everything we both have going on in our families. A long time ago he bought Nickelback tickets for this girl he liked. (this girl was only after his money, didn't care for him at all and had a bf she didn't tell him about) So this girl worked him over good and a few weeks back did it again and disappeared. So today I get out of the shower and see that I have a missed call from him which is extremely rare before 7pm for him to call. I call back and he states that he has 3 Nickelback tickets and wants to know if my hubby and I can join him for the night (give me one moment while I fantasize about being in between AG and Sir.......ok Im back) Damn that was a yummy thought....so the only catch is is that it is the night of our local play party, gathering......whatever you wanna call it.

Now these tickets are 8th row center behind the pit. Do I really need to tell you what my decision is? I mean really? HOLY CRAP I am going to see Nickelback. With not one but 2 sexy men who have been there for me more then any other these last few months. The only thing AG wants is for us to drive, which is a small price to pay for free 8th row Nickelback tickets.....

What made it even better was when he said that I was right about this girl, and that friends like me should always come before pussy. To which I responded if I had a choice between him and the pussy I would pick the pussy...lol (can't not give him shit that just wouldn't be right, he and I are just that way with each other) He and Sir totally get along so that will make the evening fantastic too. This is the best thing to happen today so far.......yahoo.

Now not one of my kids has strep but all 3....so this little blessing of concert tickets was well needed.

The rest of my day I will be replanting some of my plants, scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom, and laundry when I should be taking it easy. I just cant sit still today for too long....maybe I am anxious about talking to Dom's of the past again? Or school starting? Who knows. When Sir comes home I have to run to the store and then we will be working in the yard if he gets home in time. Sir asked me last night how I felt about talking with all these people again and I told him honestly it makes me feel so happy and secure that I know without a doubt where my place actually is now.

Sir and I are also talking about attending the St Louis Witches Ball this year for my birthday instead of going to all the other costume parties we used to do. I am most excited about that.

2009-08-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I get a message on yahoo from a screen name I did not recognize. Turns out it was my very first Dom ever J. HOLY CRAP STORM ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME. Sir was on the computer next to me and I told him who I was talking to and he gave me permission to go ahead and talk. I doubted it was actually him until he turned his web cam on.....WOW

Still processing that conversation in my head. I will be back tomorrow to write about it in detail. I will say we talked for at least an hour and a half if not longer. Totally mixed feelings about it.

Baby girl is feeling like a mini satan (if there is one) and acts like it to today, I can not wait for her antibiotics to kick in.

I do believe my costume idea for our next play party is ready to go...just once I would love to go in jeans and a nice low cut top instead of all dressed but hey it is not my vote. It is school girl themed and I think this time I would like to be the teacher...giggle......who knows but I have outfits for both. Sir told me I must model them for him and let him choose....but either way I will still be attending on a leash....yipee!!!!!! Leashes make me happy and calm.

Around

2009-08-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

You know those moments, days, weeks when you feel like nothing is going in your favor and everything you do is wrong? Well...you guessed it..that has been my life ever since last Monday with the news of my grandmother. She is still here on Earth, but slipping. Some days she seems to be "better" although I know that is not the case and some days, I just leave in tears unable to even process my thoughts.

Sir has been wonderful, and even though I have had tons of moments when I have lost my place with him he has talked me through it (not always calmly or nicely in my favor but we have always talked about it) He opened up to me about his own dads passing and all the feelings he went through(he speaks of his father sparsely) which was amazing for me that he did that for me....showing me that all of the feelings, and thoughts I have are not wrong but very normal for one who is having someone they love wither away before them. He and I also talked about the lacking of "play" type qualities with us, which has made me feel very sad and out of sorts as well...but then he explained to me(although he did not have to) that he is worried about all this stress on me, on my health both physical and mental and that he does not want to have me dropping while I am already down and he is away at work. It makes perfect sense and I was thankful he explained instead of me just wandering around wondering if I had done something wrong. Everyday that I am around him and fully open up to him my heart and feelings, the love I get back just astounds me. I could not want for a better husband or partner.....

I had a nice talk with D my former Dom and that was nice. He had heard about what is occurring with my grandma and since he still cares about me and for me wanted to check in and see if there was anything he could do. We talked about guilt, how I have been feeling as a mom and granddaughter, there never seems to be enough hours to feel like I am caring for everyone who needs it. We talked about how I can still take them to the zoo, or to the races even though our summer breaks are over. My health comes first he said, and time with grandma. He told me that Sir B understands what it is that I need, always has, and is always going to be there for me no matter how much time I am unable to spend with him at the moment. (D has a great understanding of the love, commitment, and support that Sir and I feel for each other, the two of them were pretty good at relating to each other...it was nice) It was good to see that D and I could talk easily and openly.....questions of a possible friendship were brought up but only time will tell about that. Sir gave me tons of hugs and love before going to the firehouse for training tonight.

Tomorrow I have a function at my college. I am going to be on the Student Advisory Board for the group I am in, and I am looking forward to focusing back on my studies. 13 credit hours, 3 kids, sick family members, Sir, and everything else that I do...not to mention that our soccer sign up sheet came today and since I am Assistant Coach.....you guessed it...more on my plate.

I wonder if Sir taped my mouth and eyes shut so I can not ball like crazy the next day if he would beat the crap outta me.....yeah I didn't think so either lol. Although, he has gotten very creative with our rituals, and things I am to do at all times with him and that has been work enough sometimes it seems (but good work) I am NEVER to speak to him with my arms crossed in front of me, but behind my back at all times so that no part of me ever is closed off from him. (i like this one that was something I did a lot with him before) We are going to try to go to this months play party and gathering depending on my gram of course...I was informed I will be in collar and leash.......(happy dance just for that) Sometimes it is the really small things that we do that make me feel most submissive and grateful....

2009-08-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am still here and still running up to the city and back on a daily basis. I will be posting later today about some thoughts and feelings I have been tossing around. Thanks for checking in with me and I will be writing more later

Hugs

Hospitals

2009-08-05T16:16:00.001-07:00

I have decided I have spent way way too much time in hospitals lately. On Monday my mother called me to inform me that my grandmother was being taken to Des Peres. I get the kids in the car and race to the hospital (Sir had already beat me there and met me outside) Sir takes one look at me and says "you need to get in there now, kids and I will be here" and off I ran. For 3 days and 2 nights I have sat there listening to the bleep of machines, and the raspy breathing of my grandmother. She has COPD and has virtually no oxygen in her lungs at all. She has been on a bipap machine that is helping her breathe and essentially we are just waiting for the end according to her lab results and dr. Today they took her off the machine due to her DNR and living will and we are waiting to see what happens with it all. I have been leaving the hospital at 3am and driving an hour back home to grab a shower, maybe a quick nap and back to the hospital. Sir has been doing double and triple duty with the kids and work and I could not love him more for it.He stays up until I get home to try to talk to me and give me hugs and words of support. My mother is a wreck, I am a wreck and I miss my kids and Sir terribly. I miss the lady my grandmother was to me and for our family for so many years. She was a perfect submissive woman, she could take care of her kids, clean and wash the house sparkly, and make a good hot meal all by 4pm. She squirreled away money and then spent it on my grandfathers first boat for him. This woman taught me strength when I had no more so many times in life. She helped raise me when my mother was to drunk or to busy to do it, and now she is slipping away and I can do nothing but continue to sit there, or wander the hospital halls at odd hours of the night or morning, listening to the bleep of machines and trying to help my mom deal to. I sit here now and wait for Sir to get home so I may travel up there again. I used to wonder how Grandma could sit there at my grandfathers bedside for hours upon hours when he was sick, and now I know. It was pure love for him....like I have for her

2009-08-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

The rooster is saved.....the weekend has been relaxing..........hubby is working a side job today....and I will be watching movies and laying around with the kids.....I have been thinking of a few past relationships that have tried to come back into my life........and I have to say that I smile now when I think of them............but that is all. For some people who are in your life or have been..........the past is the best possible place for them to stay. It is nice to hear amends, and words of apology...but when it is all said and done I have to much going on in my life to give a second chance....I have to much that drains my energy and takes up my time. I have found my strength....partly due to my own hard work and partly due to some wonderful people who have given me freedoms and told me it is ok to be me (and you know who you are)

Better, stronger, independent, smart, funny, passionate, ME.....I thank them for all they have given BUT have no need for any of the hurts they can cause me. Forward always forward....those who deserve to be in my life never really leave in the first place.......

Aaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh

2009-07-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ok so my daughters ear drops cause her to roll around and convulse like some kind of devil child, while she is screaming like someone poured water on her and she is the wicked witch....so put NUMEROUS calls into the specialist and her pediatrician. No answer yet pretty pissed about it.

AG, his kids and my whole fam is supposed to go this weekend to the river and bbq, swim and hang out. Goddess that will be nice.

I was approached by a past Dom today, who blatantly asked me to either be his slave again, or at the very least have an affair with him. Needless to say after all the vicious, cruel, hateful things he did to me..............he was pretty much laughed at and told not on your life would I do that to my husband and never in a million years with you. Hubby just kind of laughed and said "well everyone wants my girl but I am the one who has her" (damn right baby)

Hubby and I keep growing closer and better together. Our love is amazing, and little things like general manners that we would give to a stranger or a friend we now do and say with each other and you would be AMAZED at the difference it has created. Last night when he got home from the firehouse we sat and watched all 3 episodes of Drop Dead Diva and laughed together. We have a new favorite "fluff" show to watch together. There is no where else I would rather be late at night then curled up in his arms, as he strokes my arms, neck and hair telling me how much he loves me. Those amazing little butterflies come a flutter when he pulls into the driveway, or when he smiles at me.

Yesterday I went to see my mom and it was ROUGH. She was in all of her full glory with her drinking and her mental issues and by the time I got home I was pretty upset. Hubby had to go to the firehouse but he pulled me into the shower with him and hugged me tight and said "no matter how old you get she is still your mom and it will still hurt" He tried to get me to talk about it but I was not ready so he did the next best thing which was just hold me so I could cry. He is truly amazing and I am so grateful for him.

Now help me SAVE THE ROOSTER!!!!!!! We have a rooster that is my hubby's bud It rides on his lawnmower, his shoulder, and follows him around. We have had it for 4 years and he has started to crow. We can not have a crowing rooster in city limits. I called all around and finally got a home for him so that we do not have to "axe" him. Now before anyone goes off we raise our chickens from babies for their eggs and their meat. It is the only chicken we eat. I do not agree with hubby wanting to kill this one. Above all it is his choice, but this is like one of our dogs to him and I know this. I am rallying to save his life and let him go live with his fireman buddy D (who may be joining us at Flog next month) If you know my hubby, help me convince him not to kill this one. Not by doing the whole "killing animals is wrong thing" but by the "this is like one of your other pets" thing. I know we raise them for this exact purpose but this one has been very different....I know confusing...even to me I am usually the first one to plan what kind of chicken dinner we are gonna have.....sorry my veg friends...I am who I am...

Day 2 of SAVE THE ROOSTER is under way.......giggle

2009-07-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

So tonight I am here in the quiet house, hubby is out working on a side job, kids in bed, baby girl fighting me like an angry bear to put her drops in....and I finally sit down to have a bite to eat and relax some (i eat and sleep at odd times now) and I stumble across the movie "Sleeping with the enemy" I LOVE this movie about domestic abuse and watch it when I find it on. It got me thinking (as I do about weird stuff now from time to time) I began to think about all the women who go through domestic abuse and can or can not get out. I was one of those women. I was 17 and lived who a guy who did horrible cruel nasty things to me and not in the good sense that I love today...lol. I could not live with my mother due to her alcoholism and mental issues so I was pretty much stuck. I had to drop out of my senior year in high school and every day would fight for my life. Everyday I hoped that things were how he liked, and how hopefully he would not be so damn cruel or mean.

The night it ended my friend Johnny (who has since died due to a drug overdose) broke in the door, and found me in the kitchen in a pool of blood...G with the hammer still in his hand, my head split open. I was scooped up and rushed to the hospital and then all hell broke loose like it does.

I have known several of my friends who have been in horrible, controlling, abusive "relationships" and some of them had help getting out and some of them had to steal away in the night with nothing more then their clothes. I try to help these women now when I run across one.

Now I love bdsm. I love the power I give, the exchange that I encounter, and the control I let go of. I can take many blows to my body, and am a most "good girl" to those I serve. I do this now because I am the one who is in control this time. I say who and what I let beat me. I TRUST in those who touch me, and I know them well in advance of any type of play. There are those who can casually play with others and that is fantastic, I always kind of envied their free-ness....but for me, because of my history, I can not. The beatings to me are cathartic, healing, and needed. If I trust you great, if you break my trust you either play hell trying to earn it back with me, or I am never again touched by you PERIOD. It is MY say now and that gives me an immense feeling of safety and security.

There are those in my life who do not understand the difference, and what this exchange means to me...and then there are those like my hubby who continue to grow, change, ebb and flow with me no matter what, and he CONSISTENTLY stands by my side and loves me no matter what comes out. It has been an amazingly rough couple of weeks, and things have been stressful for all in my home to say the least but life is where it needs to be. Through great illness, struggle, financial difficulty, time, whatever you may be dealing with that may test you........if you are truly, deeply, wonderfully loved like I am....you will make it through.

Now if I can just get the angry bear to take her drops......ugh

2009-07-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

Baby girl is home and well.

I have been working on a post that was inspired by some recent negative comments and gossip, that I have been wanting to post for QUITE awhile but never felt like it was the right time.

It is time I think for me to let it go and say what I have to say....

Look for it in the next few days.....I must take care of the child and myself first

2009-07-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

So busy week so far and all I wanna do is sleep lol.

Monday is the babies surgery and even though it is a minor deal.....you know mothers and their nerves (although hubby took the whole day off work so he is worried to) This weekend he and I will be spoiling her rotten and enjoying our time with the kids. I do believe he signed up for shift at the firehouse though for Saturday day and Sunday day but not sure.

I added some new pics to my myspace page and was able to talk to AG today he has been in Washington all week and has actually called me twice. WTF? He even called to let me know he landed safely I mean really.....lol When he gets back we are all taking the kids to the river for the weekend provided all goes with with baby girls surgery. He also is still teaching me to shoot.

My friend N had a wild night the other day while I just sat back and watched and then helped her clean herself off when I got her home...I do not miss those days at all really.....

I am going to Pointfest in August come Hell or High water no matter how bad I may be feeling.....trying to get a group of friends to go...that would be awesome and just what I need...Hell yah!!!!

Got a B+ in Ethics WOOHOO..............That guy was hard...whew....now to track him down and get my paper grade....

Hugs

PS D and I have talked through email and he wants to get together face to face and talk.....hmmmm

2009-07-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

I have found that when you stay out with a friend until 3am......that it is very hard to get up in the morning...or get your hubby up on time for work.....Sorry baby...ugh

I do not even drink and this morning has been rough already...can't imagine how bad she feels today lol..........

Now I must hurry up, get kids ready and up to St Louis .........

Coffee IV anyone???????

Post about my adventure later.......

2009-07-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has kids will so appreciate this conversation that took place between my hubby and our 7 year old son N while hubby was shaving last night before bed.....

"Why are you shaving"
"Because I need to so my cpap mask will fit right"
"Does your shaving cream smell"
"No"
" Why not"
"Because I got unscented"
"Why do you have to wear your mask"
"Because I stop breathing if I don't"
"You didn't wear your mask last night and you slept just fine"
"No I didn't I tossed and turned all night and stopped breathing a few times I am sure"
"Why didn't mom put your mask on"
"I dunno"
"Dad, you are wasting water when you leave it run like that" (my favorite)
"But I am using it, see I have to rinse the hair out of my razor"
"You have shave cream on your ear"
"Ok I am not done yet"
"You have some on your neck too"
"Ok son" (as he is trying to shave)
"You have some on your earring too"
"Thank you son"
"So when I grow up do I have to shave too"
"Sure"
"Well I like you scruffy"
"Well so does mom but then my mask doesn't fit right"
"Dad, you are still wasting water"

It went on like that for about 20minutes, back and forth with me just laying in bed and listening to the whole thing. They talked about school, and dad being a fireman, riding bikes, and all sorts of stuff. It was great to hear them fire back and forth with each other. N asking real questions as dad shaves, and dad answering them just as fast. I love to hear it...made me smile all tucked in the covers listening to 2 out of my 3 favorite boys......

Life is good for the most part.....

2009-07-21T11:33:00.001-07:00

Today has turned out to be splendid...so far....I have had a nice long chat with someone who means more to me then they will ever know...........it was unexpected and surprising and pleasant. I am smiling now....

2009-07-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Guess I am easy to forget

2009-07-16T18:50:00.001-07:00

Schools out for summer

WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO

I promise I will post more later..........

2009-07-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

I am frustrated to the point of sheer anger and restlessness

I need a vacation BADLY

I need to just disappear for awhile and sit my big ass down in the sand, or curl up under a hotel room blanket and get gobs of room service

I need to be beaten and fucked senseless

I need to be held and stroked and sweet nothings whispered in my ear

I need things I can not even mention here because whew some of them are down right naughty and some of them you all would be shaking your heads

I need some of the people in my life to grow the fuck up, get their business out of my business and get their own lives

I need to create a Bucket List..................hmmmmm maybe I will post it tomorrow

2009-07-12T07:37:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I had the chance to spend the day with a woman who has been a friend, confidant, and all kinds of other things for over 9 years of my life. I met her at school so many many years ago and everything just fell into place. She was such a huge part of my life for so long, and we spent almost every weekend together even after we moved pretty far apart. I live south of St Louis and she lives in St Charles now. This woman had my heart in ways that I didn't think until she and I could not be around each other anymore. (her hubby has major issues) I met my husband through her, well them, and she has ALWAYS been there for me. Even if it was a period of us not talking so much if something has happened to me, she has dropped everything and been here. (kinda cool when that happens) So anyway she is in a coven, which I have been invited to join, and yesterday we went and hung out....grabbed coffee, walked Main Street, giggled, talked, cried, laughed, sat by the water, and spent pretty much the whole day together. (oh yeah we shopped too) In the evening we went to the coven meeting and boy was that something....felt like home in so many ways....

This lady is someone who has been in my life, and then left, and then come back, and then left etc etc.......and I was talking to her about a recent loss of love I have experienced and made the comment "if i am so goddamn fabulous and dynamic then why do people who "love" me keep leaving" and she got quiet. We walked for awhile and then she pulled me in the direction of the water and we sat. Her words to me were this ....

"I can not speak for the others, but for me, when I have left you, it was like a part of me had died. I thought of you every day, missed you terribly, and eventually I just couldnt stay away from you anymore. Everyone who has walked away, who has truly been connected to you emotionally, has tried to come back, or has at the very least become your friend again. I know that for me, you are someone that you don't even know that you need in your life until you are gone. Once you are gone, life sucks...lol" She clarified so many things for me yesterday with several situations, and there are things I wish I could say to people but there is really no point. If it is meant to happen, that I get a chance to speak my mind....it will. It was freaky in a way that she could echo the same feelings or sentiments that were spoken to me by others....both about me....and how they felt/feel about me, or about the fact that eventually one day.....they know they will be back (and so far each and every one of them has like she said at the very least been a good friend)

After the meeting we went to get food and coffee and we talked of her marriage. It is not good. No matter how much they truly focus on each other he continues to treat her the same. I feel so bad for her, but at the same time it made me immensely grateful that my husband HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME FOR ME FROM DAY ONE AND CONTINUES TO DO SO.....

As her and I finished up, and we watched a little old couple walk in, sit down and share their meal....She said I can totally see you and B being like that, hell you already are.....but I don't see that anymore with G" It is sad when people stay together for kids, or because it is comfort, because they have done it for so long....

I know she will continue to be in my life, some people are just meant to be...no matter how much time apart you always seem to come together....that is pretty awesome...

I came home and sat Sir down and told him that I have no more doubt as to his love, dedication, or devotion to me. For whatever it is I did to deserve him........I am glad I did it. We spent the entire evening in bed together.....with all ranges of emotions and passions...tears resulted for me (which is a huge indicator of an intense emotional connection, tears after orgasm or during = good stuff)

Today back up to St Louis for dinner with the sister in law for a belated bday celebration for my youngest son. I will be pouring over Algebra and writing my Ethics paper for the umpteenth time.....4 more days of school then weeks off...........woohoo......

2009-07-09T10:09:00.001-07:00

I have tons of things rattling around in my head, and tons of things to write about...but some will be done in my private journal for the reasons of them being...just a tad too personal to divulge here just yet.

The short of it today is I am tired, ungodly tired, and emotionally raw. I am stressed to the point of just not giving much of a shit about anything...but I also know it is because of some recent news I have received and things that life has thrown our way. I want to curl up at Sir's feet and just be for more than 5 minutes at any given time, but since this is the last week of school, that is not possible. My paper was coming along splendidly..........and now has been torn apart and started over by me. I am beginning to hate this Ethics class (but not really)

Gonna lay down I am too tired to focus on anything..........will write more after nap when maybe I can process more clearly.....

Thanks for hanging in......

2009-07-05T15:35:00.001-07:00

For those of you checking in I am alive lol. I have been super busy this weekend, when I should have honestly just laid on my butt and rested. I was able to spend the 4th with Sir and the kids due to the weather the fireworks show that he had to go work got canceled. Yipee for me because it seems this last week he and I have had all of 10 minutes together. I have changed my Ethics paper to military torture of prisoners so have to redo all of my research but this topic gets me all kinds of riled up...which is the kind of paper he wants. I will not put my own thoughts about this here, but being very close to some of our military men who have seen and been through horrible things....well.... (clears throat and relaxes)

I will post more tomorrow. It is my middle child's birthday. He will be 7....oh boy could be a weepy mom post tomorrow or something else I have been chewing on in my head....either way...could be a largely emotional day so who knows.

I set up my altar today in my bedroom and it is beautiful. All the pieces came together beautifully. It brings me peace to see it, and touch the things on it. All of the pieces on it have been given to me by people who are in my life now or have been and are now part of my past....maybe that is the reason they are now in my past? Maybe they will come back? Maybe the love and energy in this altar is what I am supposed to carry from them all for my future? Maybe they will one day again be part of my future? Then again maybe it was all given to me because I am broke? lmao Seriously though...I have to thank each and everyone of them for the magical gifts I was given. Things from Sir B, and my dear friend R, something from Chelle, V and his wife, P and his wife, and even from my very Catholic Dom from the past D. A little piece of tons of love.........

Blessed be

2009-07-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

Wont be around tomorrow so I leave you all with this...............

"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without consent"
Eleanor Roosevelt

2009-07-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

Some things just really do not surprise me anymore, some people totally have in the best possible ways, and some people......

Things in my life are changing rapidly....health issues...ugh.. and school however.....

I got a 99 on my last ALGEBRA test KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-30T09:07:00.001-07:00

Hurting

Sad

Angry

Sad

Hurting

Fire, Photos, and Closepins.....

2009-06-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

Gosh what a fabulous weekend I have had. I went to our local play party on Saturday night and was a tad bummed that Sir and I did not play, but boy was I in for it when we got home....but more on that in a bit...first I took my first step towards getting over my fear of fire...

Sir and I have been speaking with a wonderful Dominant who plays with fire. He sat down next to me last evening, and began getting out all of his fire stuff.....my heart is pounding at this point but I am also strangely excited....he started explaining how he plays with fire, how we will start slow and ramp it up, and how he and my Sir will not let anything bad happen to me. Then he lit the baton....now keep in mind there were tons of rope scenes and other things going on at the time but I was not focused on anything but Sir, the other Dominant, and the fire. He gently placed the baton in my hand, and then when he removed it told me to close my hand on the flames. I do not know how many times we did that but I do know that from that point on I wanted to do more, go further, it was amazingly beautiful and felt so good to take that first step. I have already told Sir that I want to do more and soon.

Today I had a photo shoot to help me get over my self esteem and boy did it . I had the best time, I was so relaxed that the time just flew by. I certainly want to go back and do more with him. It was amazing and I have over 200 pictures to prove it. For the first time in a long time I can look at my face and my body and I LOVE IT....every inch of it. It was such an empowering experience.....can't wait to do more.

So after Sir and I got home last night he told me to clear off our bed, but do not get undressed. Now at our local party he bought me so amazingly sexy stripper shoes and a red hogtie set that matches my collar. After some kissing, stroking, and biting (all on his part) I was undressed and placed in the hog tie set on my back. It was super frustrating to be tied, and unable to touch him as he is kissing me and biting me all over. I am so used to reaching up and touching him that it added a new level of helplessness. He got up from the bed and grabbed our bag of clothespins. I both love and hate the clothespin....more so then ever before. He placed them on my nipples, and all around my breasts, then began to fuck me. Slowly, then faster, then slower all the while them damn clothespins bobbing up and down...not to mention when he would lay on top of me and push them into my skin.......owgoddamnitthatfuckinghurts....then he really shocked me when he began to choke me. So there we are fucking, can't hold him or touch him, clothespins all over, pain and pleasure, and as I begin to come he starts ripping the damn clothespins off. (and he says he is not sadistic) Tears rolling down my face, him inside me, orgasms all around......was beautiful really. After I was unhooked, I was super floaty and calm. Perfect.

In the shower this morning before the shoot, we were touching, kissing, and talking about last night both at the party and at home. He leaned in to kiss me and I did a little smart ass gesture that I used to do when I didn't want to be kissed....which resulted in a nice face slap. Talk about attention getter.

Tonight tons of house cleaning, and some more Ethics and Algebra...ugh Back to the grind tomorrow....

Updated post

2009-06-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

Dinner in crock pot........check
Cake baked and ready for my homemade icing...... check
Bathroom cleaned.......check
Laundry........in progress
Algebra test finished...... in progress
Ethics research done.............not even close have no clue what to write about still
Kitchen cleaned...........in progress but done after dinner

Damn I thought I had done better today..........grrrrrrrrrrrrr

After dinner update........Sir was very pleased. When he is happy, well fed, and smiley I just love it. He climbed into the shower to get ready to go up and help D and his wife again. They are opening a new shop and have tons of stuff to do, one of which is running the plumbing for the tub that M will be bathing dogs in, which Sir will be doing for them this evening. I went into the bathroom and he took one look at me and said "get in the shower with me".....I get into the shower and he instantly wrapped his arms around me, kissed me all over my face and neck, held me close and said "i miss you too" What followed next was some very intimate, bonding conversation followed by a more physical sort of bonding.

When Sir left here he had a huge smile on his face and said he needed to go smoke about 6 cigarettes.....giggle. He said I was a very good girl and I pleased him greatly. We are debating going out to the river tomorrow because knowing me I will get sunburned and then not be able to be photographed on Sunday......We will see.....

Hugs and love to you all..........back to homework and Ethics paper research

2009-06-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

Excited....I am also tons of other things but we will leave that for now.......

Sir and I and our 3 little ones will be at the park tomorrow along with AG and his 3 kids, and also D and M and their 3 kids. We will be bbqing and playing in the water all day long...the perfect thing to do before we get ready to go to our local play party that evening. Excited!!!!! I love being in the water all day. I am a water sign and also very much a water witch...it calms me...I love it. Kind of funny that I am drawn to water and Sir is drawn to fire lol. So I have no clue what to wear for the play party either. My body issues this last month have gotten worse and so has my self esteem in general so I am hoping that Sir will just say "wear this" and save me the trouble. I have no desire to really get neekid at all there, but I have no idea what is in store for me if anything at this point. ....sigh..... I do know that I will be slowly working on my fire issues here soon and that possibility excites me and scares me too. I am grateful for the oppourtunity. I do know that when I walk in I want to feel beautiful......sometimes that takes some work...let's just hope I am not all sunburned...

My bird is sitting on me, and it has taken me forever to just to type this post...she loves the keyboard....lol silly bird.

I have some other thoughts, and feelings that are emerging. Sad pretty much today overcomes it all....very very tired. I would be happy to just curl up in a ball and let the tears fall today, wrapped under my covers wishing for big strong arms to hold me......but that is not possible today.....

2009-06-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am having so many thoughts and feelings through my head right now. Touch, voice, heart, body, soul, thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, passion, tenderness, love, commitment, surrender, lust, completeness, friendship, loss, hungry, hurt, confusion, anger, complacency, frustration, happiness, tiredness, drained, emotionless, full of emotion........

All over the place.....

2009-06-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Its been a tough week. Sir has been working amazingly hard hours in this heat, school is plugging along, I have been looking at transfer schools already, and now Sir and I are helping our friends D and his wife M open up a new dog grooming business. It is almost 12am and I am beat, Sir is still there laying tile for them.

I have some thoughts about surrender, living this life with Sir/hubby 24/7, and also finding my proper "place" with him. I have been talking with some new fabulous friends about it all, and finding couples that also do this after being married for so many years before embarking on this journey together. It has helped tons, but we still have a ways to go.

Sir wants me to journal here everyday, to speak freely to him as to what I am thinking and feeling about us and where I am at...and that makes me happy. Today we were getting ready to go to D and M's new shop and I was STRESSED to the point of hair pulling out. He looked at me and said "what do you need and speak freely" and I replied "I need to be grabbed by the throat, thrown down, choked and beaten. I need to be slapped silly and then fucked senseless by you. I am having a hard time finding my head space today" He looked at me and turned me towards the bathroom wall, bent me over in half and pressed my nose against the tile wall. "Stay there" was all he said and he left. It was maybe only 5 minutes total that I was there, but that was a long 5 minutes. That was the most calming 5 minutes I have had all week. I felt a tear slip down my cheek and when he came in to tell me to stand up, as he hugged me all I could whisper was "Thank you Sir for giving me what I need"

To Sir, thank you. For going on this walk through life with me everyday. For asking me what I think I need, but for actually giving me what you SEE I need. I know in my heart that when we finally have the opportunity to scene that it will be one of the most amazing scenes of my life, and you will take exactly what it is you need from me, regardless of what I may think I need in my head. Just when I think you don't "get me" you show me amazingly that you do, more then I could have ever hoped or dreamed.

A old friend of ours said "Of course B is the natural choice for your Dominant and Master. I have always seen him as an angel, just standing guard over you, watching you and keeping you loved and safe." She was right. YOU are the one I was designed for. I am grateful for every step we have taken to get to this point with each other. There is no place I would rather be, then to be at the feet of my beloved husband.

To quote my favorite movie "There is no place like home"

2009-06-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Tough times never last................Tough people do.

I am tough, we are tough, and I have my eye on the "golden prize" I do not care how many nights I stay up until way late, or how many mornings I get up way to early. This semester is half over, and I am doing better then expected for 2 extremely difficult teachers and classes. I lost my faith this afternoon for just a bit, and almost caved........but then....my very best friends and the love of my life pulled me back to sanity, and shown me exactly how strong I am.

It's nice to have people care enough about you to remind you that you are stronger then you think. It is nice to have people love you enough to let you throw your frustrated fit....and laugh with you when you succeed.

I am surrounded by beautiful, strong, great people.

That was my five minutes of breathing........now back to the homework. My goal is a B (really praying to the goddess for an A) in Algebra this semester.

Oh yeah...Sir bought a kitchen set of bamboo forks, spoons, etc. You know the big ones for helping serve the food? That is my new reward for a good grade this next test. (giggle) His goal is to "break one off on my ass" (hehehehe) And you wonder why I am working so damn hard?

The Pager

2009-06-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

When your Sir/hubby is a fireman.....and it is 1:45am and his pager goes off, he gets dressed, grabs his stuff and is out the door in about a moments flash, literally under a minute...with just a quick kiss and a "I love you hun" its scary. This happened 2 nights ago. I do not think I have EVER seen that man move so fast in all my life except when I had babies shooting out of me...lol Then I lay there thinking "turn on the scanner" followed by "no dont turn on the scanner" followed by "dont you want to hear and listen to what happens" followed by "nope, yes, nope, yes" and so forth. I lay there wide awake until he came home.

Yesterday we went out to eat, and before he even had 3 bites of his food...you guessed it.....pager went off......car accident......and off he ran. I passed the accident on our way back home and I saw him there, trying to help........

I love him.....and am so proud.

These men and women, including the ones in Law Enforcement, leave their familes, their homes, their loved ones...to go save someone elses loved ones. The jobs they do are important and dangerous. As we were sitting there eating, my youngest son said " Why does dad have to go help them? Why can't he just stay here?" To which my response was "If it was us, in an accident, or fire, wouldn't you want someone to come help us. So that we can come home to daddy safely?" He sat there for a moment and slowly smiled and said "I am so proud of dad".....me to baby...me to.

Grief

2009-06-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my sponsor, to inform me that a lady who had over 22 years of sobriety, a lady we had all loved, learned from and with, and looked to for guidance and support in our program took her own life of a drug overdose last night. Honestly I am shocked, devastated, and beyond grief. This lady is someone who really took me under her wing when I walked into that first meeting and held my hand until I could love myself. She was this amazing bright light of love, sobriety and friendship and now she is gone. We do not know why and will probably never know. I miss her and have grieved for her all day. I think about all the "hard" things I am going through and to be honest they really are not shit. I think about (as we all do) "Wow not one of us is ever safe from this monster disease) This is what matters to me and always will. My sobriety, first and foremost, family, and friends. I know that without a doubt I have people out there who will always be there for me when I need them. Did she not reach out? Did she just decide to use and took it to far? Why did she not get out her list of AA support people and call? Did she call and no one answered? We will never know. No matter how much emotional pain I have, I have places to go, people to talk to.....BUT so did she. There is the point...as hard as I work at this program, and as much as I hold it dear to me....I AM NOT SAFE. I WILL NEVER BE FREE OF THIS. EVER!!!!!!! I can not for one moment allow myself to put anything or anyone else before this. Meetings will come first, support people will be called and so forth.

I am grateful to Sir for he knows how very important this is. He has lived through this demon with me, and held my hand for every step I have taken. He has even sat with me through meetings, shedding tears along side me as I found the strength in myself to get better. Am I better? Yes. Am I cured? No.

Questions run rampant in my brain today. My heart is broken for her, for her family, and for all of us who share this. I loved her and before I could do anything she is gone. I never got the chance to full force tell her how much she meant to me. Of course we talked, we laughed and emailed. I have thanked her but not truly, openly, shared with her what I really thought in my heart. Do I think that maybe my words would have saved her? No I am not that naive.....but I think that EVERYONE in this world needs to know how much they mean to you.

If there is anything I can suggest today it is this. Tell everyone how much they mean to you, whether you think they will listen, hear, or say it back....doesn't matter. If there is someone in your world that you love, tell them.....they could be gone tomorrow. They could be hurting and just need to hear something nice. Embrace them every chance you get...be it by words or hugs.

I will be there to help other alcoholics that knew her who are hurting, and also her family. This sucks.....I will never again see her face at a meeting, or hear her laughter through her emails that always seemed to jump out at you. I will always be grateful to her.....and always strive to be better daily with my demon....

Now go hug someone you love....

The floor

2009-06-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

Totally got Algebra and Ethics today...woohoo. Had a great lunch with a new friend. She is the mom of one of my son's friends and we have a lot in common. Tonight Sir will be at the firehouse all evening doing training and I will be online, homework, laundry and assorted other goodies.

Last night Sir went out to talk with a new friend. There was some misunderstanding (mine) as to whether or not I was to call Sir while he was out. I did the household chores that were assigned to me while he was gone, and then called before I slipped into bed. That was the wrong thing to do. I interrupted their conversation (uh oh) The point was made to me that I had misunderstood, and he would call me upon leaving. When he called me upon leaving, I was instructed to get my blanket and pillow and go sleep on the bathroom floor for interrupting his evening and for not listening closer when he gave me instructions for the night. (I am assuming the bathroom because our bedroom has so much furniture in it that there is no room in there but I dunno why really) The neat thing is that when I was told to do this, I did not argue, fuss, or complain. I did not question. I got my blanket and pillow and slinked my way into the bathroom. I lay my blanket down and curled up on top.

As I lay there I had TONS of things running through my head. I was cold, uncomfortable, upset that I had not made him happy, and also felt loved and safe. (interesting) I have never felt quite all of those things with him before in this dynamic. I guess I drifted off because when he came home and into the bathroom he tapped my on the hip and told me to gather my things and join him in his bed. Point given, taken, and understood. He asked me why I was told to sleep on the floor and I answered, he asked me why I was allowed into the bed and when he told me why it made my heart melt..."because I like having you close to me, by my side" (awwwwwww)

Today I feel calmer, happier, and more at peace then I have in a long while. I know this will not be easy as he finds his ground with me and I with him....but it is the dynamic we have both wanted ever since we came into all this together years ago. As I was lying there, I was the most disappointed in myself that I have ever been, but also more secure in knowing and trusting that I will be ok, we will be ok, and that things will work out the way they are intended to.

Life today, is beautiful.......in all regards......and I am most thankful for this oppurtunity with him.

Arghhhhhhh

2009-06-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

So today we started learning Aristotle in class today and just when you think you have him down pat.....he goes and throws a curve in there. Great. So far in this class we have learned Kant, Utilitarianism, and Aristotle. I have to pick a Ethical topic to write a research paper on.

We won't even discuss Algebra but I will say that I did better on the test then AG did and boy did that piss him off....hehe Knocked him down a few pegs. There will be massive studying had by me, that hubby (now to be referred to as Sir in all future posts) has set up for me. I don't mind it really. The teacher has completely gotten to the heart of the matter and for me, I found that almost 90% of the mistakes I made are due to rushing through the test. Very simple mistakes, very simple to fix. That is better then what I was expecting.

Well I am off to study, then bed early. Not feeling the best today....yuck..

Weekend....

2009-06-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes the best things come from the most unlikely sources....and sometimes these things come from people you know to be true......

Yesterday Pagan Picnic was fantastic (except for a few moments) but the entire day was filled with fun, laughter, silliness, friends, family and just what I needed before this upcoming week. I treated myself to a few new things due to my success in school, and because I have focused on others more then myself. Now it is me time. I will do what I want, when I want, how I want, how often I want. Well, all with hubby's say of course lol. This is me time and time for my hubby. I get great satisfaction from taking care of my husband. I love making the house and everything in it to his satisfaction. I love being on his arm when we go out, always have and always will. When I got to Surdyke yesterday after the picnic to see him in all his Fireman glory I got out of the car and he could tell there was a huge attitude shift. He just looked at me and smiled, high fived me, and said good girl (damn I love those words coming out of his mouth they are seriously like liquid gold) It is also nice to have both people at Pagan Picnic and at Surdyke tell you how good you look. That was super cool. I needed some positive energy.

I have a splitting headache today and the dizziness has returned. So tired of dealing with all this crap really. Hubby is on his first MVA call, and they have called for Air Evac (sigh) I both love and hate this scanner.

To all of my friends, thank you for being there. Thank you for seeing what I need, and helping me get it. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. Thanks for sticking around no matter how hard our relationships may get, and thank you simply for being you. I seriously love you all.

To My Husband......In Your Eyes

2009-06-12T09:11:00.001-07:00

So
In Your Eyes
love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

Peter Gabriel

Honey, you consistently give me the wings to fly, and you catch me when I fall. You support me in all that I do, and wait patiently for me to return to what I know to be true....and that is YOU. Now and forever, from the day we met. We have stood strong, through many fires, through many hardships...we grow stronger everyday, and my trust in you and in Us grows in leaps and bounds. You allow me to find my own way, knowing that I will always return to what is right.

There are not enough words to express how very deeply I love you. How much I respect and admire you, how much you have shown me what life and love are all about. You are simply amazing, strong, smart, funny, passionate, loving, tender, and so many more things I would be here all day.

All my love,
beauty

One Week (watch out)

2009-06-11T14:04:00.001-07:00

Its been a rough day, but in one area of my life a damn good one. In the regards of school its been EXCELLENT. I have been given a full tuition scholarship for my next 2 count them 2 years in school. This helps out our financial stress immensely.....

Someone told me once that " you are worth the wait" Does that no longer apply? Am I no longer worth it? Is there a time limit on love, people, caring, dedication, commitment? Did my warranty run out? Do we have a patience time limit? Do I have broken parts? Did I not do the job that was expected of me? Am I easily replaceable? (I had this really strange dream where we were all turned into robots....haven't been sleeping well at all lately)

Boy......what a harsh return policy...........

I am still hurt, confused, and still very very angry and resentful.....AG told me to turn on some angry "I can't stand you or anyone else" music and jump up and down and scream as loud as I want. Get and stay angry he said...see this for what it is.....which works until the Umbrella Cockatoo gets going with her screaming, and playing and then it's just plain loud ass noise.....lol

So looking forward to Pagan Picnic this weekend...........you all have no idea. Both days from start to finish.....yeah. I am not one to stick my head in the sand and stop doing things I love. I WILL be at every kinky event I want to go to, I WILL celebrate my life and all of those that I love in it.

I am proud of me, of all I have done in my life, and all that I continue to do. Great things are in store for me. Simply because I DO NOT QUIT.

Quotes of the day

2009-06-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

AG to me "Find your righteous anger and stick to it sister. People who hurt you don't deserve your heart, spirit, and beauty because you are one beautiful lady both inside and out." (damn man and here I thought he was just a goober...he made me cry)

Algebra teacher to us "Fractions are our friends" followed by guy who sits on the other side of me
" You need to get new friends" (that was great and even the teacher laughed and agreed)

My all time fav today was on a shirt I saw walking through campus....

"Winners, I am convinced, imagine their dreams first. They want it with all of their heart and expect it to be true. There is, I believe, no other way to live." Joe Montana (this I totally agree on depending on what the "dream" actually is)

Have two tests tomorrow then Friday off. I will be going to Pagan Picnic both days this weekend. The first with me, the kiddos, my friend N and her daughter, and maybe run into C who I haven't seen in forever. Sunday it will be me, hubby, kiddos, N, her daughter, and hopefully R and her family I will get to spend time with too. I am excited, I look forward to this every year and never have I missed one. There are tons of things I want to look at, and we have already determined how much I can spend and still get bills paid, and hubby's new scanner for his fireman duties. I can not wait. I love the whole atmosphere and I am needing some peace right now. Picnic lunch on the grass, sunshine, surrounded by friends, family and people who have never let me down.....I love it!!!

Tonight hubby has a meeting at the firehouse with the guys about Saturday. Sucks because I had plans for this evening that I was really looking forward to. Hopefully soon.

Tomorrow will be one week....and I am no where near better.....oh well....

Almost forgot..."Life is about the journey, not the destination...but who the fuck put this roadblock here!!!!" That one came from my sponsor ...giggle

Till later.....

2009-06-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

Amazingly down and have tons of homework that I really could care less to do. It's gonna be another long, sleepless night

Random Rants

2009-06-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

Today my Ethics teacher totally left me in the dust. Don't get it. I understood what I read last night until 10pm...but today when he opened his mouth...sure didn't sound like the stuff I read in the book. So that may be 2 tutors I need this semester...just freaking great.

Algebra...another 220 roughly by tomorrow. Yippee skippy.

Things I love about my hubby......when he is sleeping, and I mean sound asleep...snoring, the whole bit, and if I am laying facing him with my leg gently touching his two legs....he will (totally in his sleep) take his top leg and pull my leg in between his and put me in some kind of weird wrestling hold...lol. I experimented with this this morning....and every time I would pull away...here comes the funky scissor hold thing again...giggle...

Another thing I love is that when we are sleeping facing away from each other...we HAVE to be touching somehow. It has been this way every since we were dating. It can be as simple as just our feet touching....or as complex as our backs together with the funky scissor hold thing going.

Our showers together are fabulous. They are fun, sexy, slutty, and a overall positively bonding moment that we set aside almost everyday whether it is in the morning or evening. The fact that my hubby got up this am at 5:45 JUST to shower with me was priceless.

Tonight he gets all of his gear from the firehouse. His pagers, turn out gear, etc etc. Can't wait to see his sexy ass in his fireman outfit all dirty...can we just pause for a moment.......

Ok I am back from that lol.

In other news I am largly angry. I have tons of thoughts running through my head and most of them are very resentful, hateful, and angry. I am tired of not knowing what to believe, and hearing more then one side of everything. Ultimately words are words...I have lots of thoughts on this and when I can actually relay them I will.

Hubby, you have given and shown me love. You have been dedicated to me and to ALL that I need from the moment I met you. We have grown, changed, loved, cried, yelled, and been together so much now that I can not imagine my life without you and honestly know in my heart that even when you are angry......you would never leave.

Another rant coming really soon.....the word TRUE....that word pisses me off and honestly I am tired of people in the community saying things like "true sub" "true slave" "true Grand fuckin pooba" DO NOT use that word around me...because it is bullshit. No one and nothing are true anything....once again it is just a word, a label....and I will tell you all something else...do not ever say to me that I can not or will not be a "true" anything...because I have worked hard to get where I am at, the person I am, the submissive or slave that I am, etc etc. I am proud of my service, my love, my SELF and NO ONE will ever take that from me...if you don't think I am TRUE then you don't deserve knowing me in the first place.

That concludes my rants for this moment of the day.....later I will be posting one of my fantasies.....oh boy....

Frogs

2009-06-08T19:52:00.001-07:00

I am sitting at the table in the kitchen and I can hear the frogs singing. It makes me sad.....

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had major issues and needed to be on bedrest. I could shuffle my big ol self out to the couch, or bed...that was it. I had nothing out the window to look at except the neighbors house. One day my husband comes home and pulls me outside to the front yard and plops my big ol butt in a lawn chair. He grabs his shovel and pix ax and begins to dig a hole in our yard (not the best thing to do when your wife is pregnant and flipping out) He put in this beautiful pond. Planted 24 flowers around it, fountain, lights the whole bit. As he helped me back inside he said....."I wanted to give you something pretty to look at" The frogs down here of course love it this time of year and every night we are blessed with the beautiful song of the frogs. Late at night we sit on the porch, listen to the frogs, watch the fountain, and share our last few moments together each day.....

I hear the frogs out there tonight....and I am both sad and angry....I haven't been out there to sit since Thursday of last week......

I am going to bed....yet again feeling hurt, angry and confused. Tomorrow it is back to school and hopefully lunch with AG.....He has promised to teach me how to shoot a gun. It has been a very long time and I want to learn again. This upcoming weekend Pagan Picnic....I was really looking forward to it but now I may not even bother............

Good night all...pleasant dreams

220

2009-06-08T11:37:00.001-07:00

Let me start off by saying...Aarrrrrrggggggghhhhh! There I feel some what better. (not really) Today started my summer semester back at school, and I have to just say first of all it was great to see AG again. We fell back into the easy back and forth insult and banter we have grown accustomed to and all was right in the world...lol (once again not really)

ETHICS ROCKS!!!!!! That teacher totally kicks butt and he said a quote that really spoke to me "To go somewhere you may have to get lost first" hmmmmmm totally fits me right now I think. The only down side is he looks like the long lost twin of my last Dominant "D" but that is ok...kind of gave me a chuckle. I have the thought that this class may just get me all riled up. It's great.

ALGEBRA SUCKS!!!!!!! Okay well the teacher is really nice, explains things really slow, but we have 220 problems due TOMORROW. His theory is if we do a chapter Mon-Wed then Thurs we can have the test and then 3 days off before we start again. It works in theory but 220!!!!

I am so tired of having to break my last few days down into chunks...one day, one hour, one minute at a time...now one math problem at a time. Blah....

Very tired and thinking about laying down for a nap...but instead I will return some phone calls and get going on my 220.

See you soon

2009-06-08T04:41:00.000-07:00

HI HO HI HO Its off to school I go..............It will be nice to have something else to focus on...plus I get to see my good friend AG who has been touring the world since our last semester ended. He says he has gotten me some t-shirts......he is such a smart ass I just bet he has...lol

My other friend N is ging back to school for the first time in over 30...count them 30 years. I am nervous for her. There is one more friend who has helped me get started, been my sounding board, my support, and my humor when I have none...and she will be at a different campus today WTF??? I mean really.

In other news my short new haircut...no hairspray...UGH....but that is ok that I have something totally mundane and girlie to worry about.

Ethics and Algebra here I come.....

I will post more later. Hubby and I had a nice talk this weekend........oh boy I can not wait to post about it and some new pics. I other parts of my life not so good.....health issues are still flaring up....but One day at a Time.....that's all I can do..even though this past weekend it has been one minute at a time really...

Picnic

2009-06-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

My husband is not big on pretty words (thank Goddess at this point for that) and doesn't really show to me how much he sees or gets that I am hurting. Today I have been pretty darn mopey, not really getting much done other than the laundry. I am due to start back to school tomorrow for the next 6 weeks and have no clue how I am going to get through Algebra now....ugh. I can not even begin to get my head in the game for that, school that is.

Hubby had a few side jobs to do today, and I get a call from him that states "hey I need your help up here at the shop" So begrudgingly I go, nasty sweats, dirty t-shirt, no makeup, and my new hair cut standing straight up on end from laying around on the couch all day. In the car I go....and when I get to the shop his friend is there too. (great just what I want..another guy to see me all icky)

I get out of the car, and find out he doesn't need my help at all. He just wanted to get me out of the house and in the air. On the drive home, I am angry....and then I think....he loves me...and no matter how bad we both feel right now...no matter how much we may battle through the years...no matter how many bills we can not pay...he has NEVER GONE ANYWHERE.

I feel sad of course, dealing with the loss of love, of friendship, of things I had hoped were true. It will take me a long time to pack away those feelings.....but the picnic of Imo's today with hubby and his/my friend helped some.

If I could just pick a feeling and stick with it. I bounce back and forth from angry, sad, resentful, confused, sad, etc etc. I have moments of "screw them its their loss" as we all do when hurt....and moments of "but why?" My husband lets me cry when I need to.....but when I really start to wallow, the unhealthy kind of wallow....I get a not so gentle nudge of "suck it up buttercup"

In addition to school, and spending time with friends and family..hubby and I are planning a photo shoot for me to deal with some of my body issues. He says ny new hair color and cut are super sexy and he wants to show it off....Maybe I will post some pics....let you all decide. I do believe changes for myself and getting over issues are well overdue...

Thank you, all of you, and you know who you are. Without you all these last few days I would be worse off...just keep the tissues handy for me.....

New Beginning

2009-06-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

I am dealing with hurt, anger, confusion and loss. Not sure where to start...things may be jumbled..things may be hard, or emotional, but I have always found blogging and getting others perspectives to be helpful. I hope you all come along with me as I find my place, heal my hurts, and find where I fit.....